In any marriage, even the most loving and agreeable, there will be times when there are disagreements, and the manner that couple resolves conflict determines the welfare, quality and longevity of the marriage. Some couples mistakenly believe their marriage has no chance of success if they have disputes, which may be due to the old-school belief that conflict is best avoided to ensure family unity. The result of conflict avoidance is often simmering anger and deep-seated resentment about unresolved issues.
Ironically, voicing disagreements may actually foster growth and closeness in a relationship if the conflict is resolved constructively. Conflict is normal and inevitable, and in blended families, issues of transitioning kids, ex-spouses, financial problems and parenting differences can increase the range of disagreements with negative outcomes.
Although one of many experts in the field of relationships and conflict resolution, Dr Scott Haltzman offers unique perspective and practical advice in his best-selling book, The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wifes Heart Forever. Dr Haltzman has distilled on-going research from thousands of married men into a helpful guide that highlights eight effective strategies that make marriages work.
Strategy # 4, "Expect Conflict and Deal with It," helps couples gain a better understanding of conflict by describing the way men and women are biologically equipped to deal with it, the moods and motives that cultivate disagreements, the patterns of conflicts and how to diffuse them. Everyone wants to feel listened to, cared for and validated, and being aware of this goes a long way to helping couples put the brakes on conflict and smooth things over before they explode.
Heres what Dr Haltzman wants us to know about conflict:
1. Happy and unhappy couples argue about the same amount of time and about the same basic issues: money, sex and housework being the three most common.
2. 69 % of disputes in a marriage are never resolved, and thats an acceptable level.
3. Both men and women can employ constructive ways to debate issues, and to agree to disagree.
4. Conflict many times arises due to the biological differences in how the sexes perceive conflict and how they deal with it.
Dr Haltzman describes the 4 common ways that fights accelerate. See if you can spot yourself or your partner in any of these descriptions:
Feeding the Fire: We all know the situation where a criticism or complaint is thrown out, the response being more hostility, and so on, until its a free-for-all that includes ancient history from arguments past. An escalating, major altercation cannot just be shut down like an out-of-control video game, but keeps going at an ever-increasing pace. Strategies for calming out-of-control "fires" include softening your tone, becoming aware of areas of agreement, focusing on the positive and "holding that emotion," which essentially entails stopping yourself from escalating into a higher gear with hurtful comments.
Withdrawal and Avoidance: Men are more likely to withdraw from and not deal with a complaint than women are, and this sends a discounting message to women that makes them very irritated. Women object to avoidance because discussing an issue makes them feel better, even though the issue may not be resolved. Men avoid and withdraw for sound biological reasons but these behaviors fuel the fire of conflict with the women in their lives.
Negative Interpretation: Assigning unintended negative meaning to things a spouse does or doesnt say can incite major conflict that can escalate easily, since each partner is responding to something that was neither voiced nor meant. Clarifying one's meaning and active listening can help reduce this.
Finger Pointing: This is the classic blaming that requires an answer, which turns into defensiveness and more blame. The effective technique is to use I statements that point the finger at yourself rather than your spouse. The most important element of a conflict is how its resolved or "patched up" when a quarrel is concluded. Both men and women must choose whether being right is more important than preserving a healthy marriage. Among recently wed couples that could not patch things up after a contention, the divorce rate was 90 %, versus an 84% successful marriage rate of those who managed to come to an understanding.
Couples can have fun trying out all different strategies to get back on track after a fight; this puts the fight behind them so they can move past that and focus on the aim of enjoying a happy marriage.
Postingan
Tidak ada komentar:
Posting Komentar