Kamis, 16 Oktober 2008

SHOW ME THE MONEY

Gary Smalley
http://www.christianitytoday.com/mp/2004/fall/16.64.html

It was an innocent mistake. Norma and I had been settled for several years in Branson, Missouri, but still had bank accounts in Phoenix, where we used to live. I thought it would be good to combine everything into one bank, so I closed the accounts in Phoenix and invested the money in a fund I had at our local bank.

A couple years later, I was meeting with our accountant, who asked me about a bank account in Phoenix. "I closed that a few years ago," I told him.

"Then why is there still activity?" he asked. He told me about a number of deposits and the amount of money there.

I thought that was strange, so I called Norma and asked her about it. She explained that it was a special savings account she'd set up. Each month she put some of her paycheck in the account, which she uses for our children and grandchildren. Suddenly I realized that she didn't know I'd "closed out" the accounts. I'd forgotten to tell her—and she'd kept making deposits.

I told my accountant, who then wanted to know what had happened to the money I'd withdrawn.

"I reinvested it," I explained.

My accountant, a wise man, said, "Gary, I think we should go together and explain this to Norma."

So we drove to my house and told Norma the situation. She frowned for a moment, then said, "I wondered why that account was so low. Now I know who stole it!"

"No, no, I just reinvested it!" I tried to explain. Then she laughed and kidded us some more about it. I breathed a sigh of relief; she didn't seem mad. Everything was okay!

But everything wasn't okay. Periodically she'd say something like, "I'm never going to trust you again with my personal funds," or "I can't believe you stole my money." She said it lightheartedly, and it took awhile before I realized something was bothering her. So one day when Norma referred jokingly to my taking her money, I asked her why she kept mentioning the incident.

Norma explained: "Gary, you don't understand that you stole my money, and you haven't given it back."

"I haven't stolen it," I protested. "I simply reinvested it. It's your money. If you want it, take it."

"No, you don't get it. I don't know what account that money is in, so I don't have access to it. It's not even in my name."

I really didn't understand why she was so upset, why it was such a big deal, but I decided to fix things. "What do I need to do to repair this situation?" I asked.

"Go to the bank and get a cashier's check for the amount you withdrew—plus interest. Then give me the check."

"Okay, I'll do it." And I did.

I kept racking my brain to figure out why this was such a big deal to Norma. Finally I asked a few other women about it. They all understood exactly what Norma was saying—and they all agreed with her! Even though it didn't seem like a big deal to me, I needed to make things right because it was important to Norma.

Left to fester, this situation could have divided us. In fact, in many marriages these simple misunderstandings can have catastrophic consequences, depending on how couples choose to process them.

It has to do with how we understand and respond to our mate's needs. While these needs may be verbalized, often they're unspoken expectations. Fortunately, my accountant helped me begin communicating with Norma. After cluing in to her "hints," and being willing to understand her real need, I was able to make things right with her and for our relationship. More important than the money or the process was my responsibility to listen to Norma and value her need!

Gary Smalley, Ph.D, is founder and ceo of the Smalley Relationship Center (www.smalleyonline.com) and author of The DNA of Relationships (Tyndale).

Selasa, 14 Oktober 2008

The Trappings of Borderline Personality Disorder

http://www.borderlinepersonality.ca/bordertrappingsofbpd.htm

Borderline Personality Disorder has many trappings that accompany it. There are the nine diagnostic criteria through which professionals make this diagnosis. The first major trap of this disorder lies in its very definition. The outlined nine Borderline Traits, as they are called, are all elements of personality found in the general population at large. I referred to this as a trap because what many people (including many professionals who treat BPD) often seem to fail to recognize is that it is not the traits themselves that throw an individual's personality into borderline disorder but the intensity of those traits. This fine line, while distinguishing BPD, also does the "healing" borderline client disservice. The trap here is found in the reality that the traits the borderline seeks to heal from are actually not pathological in and of themselves.

Learning to bring those traits into the grey "big picture" between the black and the white in a way that makes them much less intense would then seem to be the definition of what it is to heal from BPD. Yes and no. Yes because if you exhibit a trait only to the degree that is considered "normal" or "average" then you have acquired mental health in that area of your personality. No, because, essentially, no one has indeed outlined any "healing stages" for borderlines. So, you can end up like me. I no longer fit the number of traits necessary for the diagnosis. I do not exhibit more than two specific traits (and those even less so now) to any degree beyond relative average. Am I "healed"? No one knows for sure. Some would say yes, while others would say no.

The second trap has all to do with nature versus nurture in the causation of BPD. Why? Well, because if its more nurture than one would assume that can be changed, and healed. The argument with regard to what is "healed" strongly is steeped in the theories that BPD indeed has a biological base. If this is the case then how can one define healing? Can one? Or would the term "management" be more applicable. This line of thought implies that BPD is then not "curable."

The third trap within this disorder is the label itself. Upon hearing the diagnosis of BPD many people, and even many therapists, want to run the other way. BPD has not been adequately defined enough in order to allow for the kind of understanding that is necessary from those without the disorder to approach it without underlying prejudice and misinformation.

Borderline behavior in and of itself is the fourth I've identified. Much of the behavior exhibited by borderlines is triggered and dissociative in nature. Therefore, to outsiders it looks "crazy" or "bizarre" as it unfolds in your here and now reality. Truth is for the borderline often what they are experiencing from their past. The past can easily be triggered by present-day events. When this past plays out in a "here and now" context, the two do not jive. To the observer nothing makes sense. To the borderline the "big picture" or "larger reality" is lost to the past experience intermingled with fragmented experiencing of the "here and now." Your reality makes no more sense to the borderline than theirs does to you. Bridging this gap can take place with very specific oriented communication and hard work on the part of both people.

Most people who are diagnosed with BPD are female. This does not mean males do not have BPD, it is just not as readily diagnosed in males. Most who are diagnosed with BPD have been sexually abused. Most sexual abuse survivors have a similar set of experienced symptoms. Often these are solely attributed to BPD. The trap here is the application of this vague and general label seemingly designed to catch those who do not fit other diagnostic criteria. How then can adequate treatment be developed when really adequate diagnostic criteria is lacking?

The trappings of BPD are far-reaching and carry with them long-lasting consequences. Some borderlines are lost to suicide. Some are lost to a litany of self-abuse that carries the person even further into mental illness. Many remain lost to their authentic core identity. The reality of the Borderline Personality puzzle is often blurred due to the patient and or the professional, getting caught-up in, or waylaid by, the complex symptoms of Borderline behavior itself and the search for cause rather than meaning.

To ensure you do not stay trapped within the pitfalls of BPD it is best to do everything you can to self-educate yourself. Therapy can be helpful. What was most helpful for me in unwinding much of the distorted and illogical thinking of BPD was cognitive therapy. The other single most effective (though not painless for sure) way of working out of this maze of madness is by living as much of your life as you can. Therapy is not life, but life can be good therapy. Being involved with people even it hurts or feels impossible is so vital because if you feel alienated or you isolate yourself, you will not have the opportunity to have mirrored back to you how you come across and who it is others see and experience when they know you. This is necessary in order to facilitate progress in your own congruence and overall affect management.

Though a maze of formidable traps, Borderline Personality Disorder can be unwound and the door to "the big picture" opened if you can sit with your feelings, your pain and your grief long enough to know that on the other side of that there is and will be joy.

Healing from Borderline Personality Disorder entails freeing yourself from the many traps that it lays at your feet. Know that it takes time. Be patient. Work hard and learn that you are not a monster, that your pain and or your emotions are not some monster outside of you that can annihilate you. The monster is the trap we fall into when we believe that we are "less than" or "no good" because...because we were abused and or neglected as children and that damage has profoundly wounded us. You need to know that this was not your fault. That you can learn to provide your own sense of self, safety and direction in life. You can unwind the damage and fill that ever empty hole in your soul with a healed and healthy love of self and of others.

The first step is to realize that YOU need YOU. The second step is to work at stopping the self-injurious behaviors which only perpetuate your abuse, self-hate and shame. The third step is to be there for yourself and to stop abandoning yourself. You do not need someone else to take care of you. You can learn how to take care of yourself.

Lift your feet up one at a time, taking a step at a time, in a journey the process of which is to free yourself from the trappings of the past which are within you now in the form of your personality disorder. HOPE.

© Ms. A.J. Mahari - April 4, 1999

Minggu, 12 Oktober 2008

WELCOME TO THE WILDERNESS

By Marian Jordan
September 3, 2008
http://www.christianitytoday.com/singles/newsletter/2008/mind1001.html

One date. Just one itsy-bitsy date (and I'm not referring to the fruit). You know that thing when the guy picks up the girl and takes her out to dinner; that's the kind of date I'm talking about. That's all I wanted—or, rather, thought I needed.
So, I prayed. For a date that is. Not intense, on-my-face type of prayer, but we (God and I) did discuss my need/want of a date on a somewhat regular basis.

A Dating Desert
I truly believed that producing a date wasn't a huge task for the Creator of all life. Surely, I surmised, this wasn't a big deal for God. Or so my line of reasoning believed, and I had the theology to back it up. If God is really the all-powerful Creator of the universe, then it would seem that conjuring up one eligible male prospect wouldn't be all that difficult.
After all, God did speak the world into existence, right?
He does own everything, right?
He does sustain the universe by His awesome power, right?
So how hard could it be for Him to produce one eligible member of the opposite sex? Not too difficult, I would assume. It's not like I'm asking for world peace … just dinner.
Yet for nine whole months I didn't even meet one guy that I would have coffee with, much less a full meal. This was a dating desert with no oasis in sight.
So, why did I need a date, you ask? Pride.
I'm not ashamed to admit it. Plain, simple, run-of-the-mill, rhymes-with-tide kind of pride. I guess you could say I wanted to save some face. I, too, wanted to walk away from my last relationship and act like nothing ever happened. It wasn't fair. I, too, wanted someone else to numb the ache … to fill the void. I so badly wanted to escape the pain of a breakup with the ease of meeting someone new. I really thought a new guy was the solution to my problem.
But I didn't get to escape the pain so easily. I was alone and facing yet another wedding season, class reunion, baby showers, and summer of family picnics—solo. Like I said, it didn't seem fair; I wanted to have someone as my "plus one" for these can't-go-alone events.
But I didn't.
Since the breakup (or what my friends now refer to as "the incident"), my ex-boyfriend successfully met, dated, got engaged to, and married someone else in the span of the eight short months since we said good-bye. (It is truly mind-blowing the speed at which some people are able to move on.) Yet, there I was, still trying to eat normal food again while he was picking out a groom's cake. What's up with that?
I'll be honest. Perhaps I viewed moving on like a competition. And if that's the case, then he was winning gold in the Olympics, and I was auditioning for the middle school track-and-field team. It just didn't seem fair.
As you can see, my pride desperately needed a date.
But it didn't get one … . No escape hatch.

The Breakup
Here's the thing: I thought my ex was "the one." I thought I was in love. Cupid hit me square between the eyes before I had time to duck. It seemed like this relationship dropped in my life out of nowhere, and after some initial resistance on my part, I finally let go, taking a free fall into my worst fear—being close enough to someone that he could actually hurt me. And guess what, he did.
Bad.
It wasn't his fault, really. Clearly, God had different paths for us. I know this to be true today, and I rejoice. In retrospect, I can say with full conviction that although we were part of one another's journeys only for a season, it was for a grand purpose. But back then, in the midst of long walks and laughing till our sides ached, my silly heart didn't get that memo. My heart didn't know it wasn't for keeps … so my heart went for it. It plunged.
I'm the type of girl who throws herself 125 percent into something. Lukewarm is not in my vocabulary. Full throttle. Hold nothing back. Give it all. And I did. I gave my heart.
I'm not ashamed to admit that I loved. I never want to be the girl with a calloused heart who can let go at the drop of a hat. I'm not wired that way. I'm not sure any of us are really. Hardness of heart and ease of separation are the by-products of a broken world where love doesn't last. Love was meant to last. We are supposed to hurt and crumble when our hearts are broken. It seems to me, if we get jaded and stop hurting, we are somehow less human. If my heart didn't break, it means I didn't love. And I did love. So when the relationship ended, I was whacked by the pendulum of emotions that flooded my way. I've never experienced a physical pain that compares to the emotional pain I felt.
I remember thinking, Is there an elephant sitting on my chest? Am I having a heart attack? So, this is why they call it "heartbreak."
Brutal.
Raw.
I was hemorrhaging with the type of gut-wrenching pain that sears every fiber of your being.

The Grieving Process
The funny/sad thing is they don't let you take sick leave for heartbreak. They really should, you know. I think I will petition Congress for this. Seriously, if people can take off work for the sundry things that we see medical doctors for, we should at least get a few "grieving days." I didn't get my grief time. No, I had to step back into my life, put on my game face, and choke back the emotions—all the while realizing how pathetically true country music lyrics can be at times.
But I did grieve—all five stages.
Allow me to explain. Psychologists suggest there are five stages to the grieving process. And they are:
1. Denial. (I really liked this stage. The phrase "reality bites" takes on a whole new meaning when you leave the denial stage.)
2. Anger. (I'm very thankful that God's grace cleanses even our sinful thoughts!)
3. Bargaining. (I did do quite a bit of shopping, but I don't think that is what is meant by this stage. Bargaining is when a person tries to play "let's make a deal" with God. If you will do this for me, then I will do this for you.)
4. Depression. (Sorry, I can't be funny here.)
5. And finally, Acceptance—sweet Acceptance.
Walking through this multilevel season of grief, filled with its doubts and fears, was for me a journey … a harsh wilderness trek through some rough woods and rugged terrain. Often, I felt completely lost in this wilderness. The underbrush of emotions and the steep cliffs of fear surrounded me at every turn. Confused, wounded, scared—and yes, at times, so very lonely.
And then, there were the questions:
How did I get here?
When will I get through a day without crying?
God, is this really part of the plan?
Along the way, there were times I was severely tempted to throw away my camping gear and build a permanent settlement. Denial is a cozy place to live … maybe I'll stay here, I mused. Or better yet, anger sure feels good. Perhaps I'll forward my mail. Then there's depression. At least a girl can catch up on her sleep in Depressionville. But I didn't stay for long at any of these campsites … although each sure seemed alluring at times. I pressed on through the wilderness, sensing something or Someone was beckoning me forward … deeper through the thick darkness … toward a glimmer, a spark, a distant Light.
Meanwhile, as I trudged through my own personal wilderness, I had to continue my normal life back in the city. You know, real-world stuff like going to work and attempting to be productive; pulling it together long enough to pretend to be social at dinner parties; smiling my way through other people's weddings; staring blankly at my professors as I tried to concentrate in graduate school; and numbly attending to the everyday tasks of grocery shopping, bill paying, and the dread of every single female—car maintenance. I had stuff to do. So, I had to get out of bed and get on with life.
On those occasions when I did venture back into the real world, amidst the whole and happy people, I heard every relationship cliché under the sun from well-meaning friends, family, and the occasional stranger who could see my pain from a mile away. Great truths like:
"God has someone better for you." (Oh, really? And you know this because … ?)
"This will all be used for good one day, you'll see."
"Sometimes 'good' is the enemy of God's 'best.'"
"Mr. Right is just right around the corner." (Aw, shucks.)
"Your heart will not break this badly the next time." (PS: not the greatest words of comfort.)
And my all-time favorite (drumroll please): "At least you don't look as old as you really are."
It amazed me how often well-intentioned people made me cry.
You're probably thinking, It's just a breakup. Get over it … move on. I did move on. Sure, I had to go through the grief process of losing my best friend and figuring out who my new "first call" would be. That was the easy part of the wilderness. Honestly, my grief over time wasn't about missing the guy or about not having a boyfriend; it was about something profoundly deeper—I was grieving the death of hope. Sure, it was a misplaced hope, but I will address that problem in another chapter. Until then, understand this: my grief was over the loss of someone and something all at the same time. I mourned, deeply mourned, the death of a desire: the desire to be married.
You see, I'd hoped he was "the one." I'd hoped that my dating days had come to an end. I'd hoped that finally I would be the one picking out china and planning a guest list. But when the relationship ended, I was right back where I started two years before, but this time the dance floor wasn't nearly as crowded. Most—slash that—90 percent of my friends were now married and either planning babies or buying car seat number two. I guess you could say I thought it was my turn. But when my relationship ended, not only did I feel hurt and alone; I also felt like the title of best-selling book series Left Behind.
The main problem was that I, like most girls I know, let my heart follow my mind. I painted this perfect little picture in my head of what I thought our life together would be like: our home, our friends, our kids, our vacations, our ministry, and, of course, our wedding. I was so busy planning "our future" that I lost track of the issues in "our present." Looking back, I realize I placed the hope of my future security and happiness in this image I conjured up in my mind. And then, one arduous summer night, we came to the conclusion that our futures weren't entwined and different paths lay before us.
Poof … it was all gone.
So what was I supposed to do now with all my plans? How did I go forward into a future without him that I'd already mapped out in my mind with him? This wasn't the plan. This certainly wasn't my plan. And somewhere in my heart arose anger at the One I knew full and well had a hand in all of this: God Almighty.
Do you remember the second stage of grief? Yep, that's right, it's called anger. And my anger was unleashed at the most unlikely person—the God whom I loved deeply and served with all my heart. You see, I knew it was God who said no. My faith was strong enough to understand that the "perfect will of the Lord cannot be thwarted" (Job 42:2 paraphrase). I knew God was the One who closed the door. We both did. Yet, I was so confused; I truly thought I was following God's plan. So if I was following God's will, then why did I feel like an eighteenwheeler had driven over my heart?
My life quickly moved from a breakup to a battlefield. The fight was on, and this fight was for my faith. An internal Enemy worked overtime in my thought life. The questions were the worst part. I'd lie my head on my pillow at night, desperately trying to fall asleep, and then they would come. The primary question targeted at my heart was sinister: If God is so good, then why do you hurt so bad? This question was followed by other tauntings:
How can you trust a God who would purposefully inflict such pain in your life?
How could He—that God you love so much—have allowed this to happen?
I thought Jesus loved you and had a wonderful plan for your life. Does this wonderful plan include public humiliation, rejection, heartbreak, and possibly lifelong singleness?
It seems your God has blessings for everyone but you. You are such a fool. That trust of yours is pathetic. You would be happier if you would just bail on following that Jesus.

Common Ground
Welcome to my most recent wilderness season.
What about yours? Where has life led you that is difficult, disappointing, or defeating? What journey are you traveling that is sending you into meltdown mode?
We all have our tale of heartbreak. Whether it's a breakup, miscarriage, personal failure, illness, financial crisis, infertility, divorce, death, abandonment … not one person reading this is immune to a wilderness season. Each woman's wilderness just bears a different name.
I know this much to be true because while I trekked through Brokenheart Bend, I had friends facing some fierce terrain of their own. Down the street a close friend dealt with the heartbreak of multiple miscarriages as she time and again hoped for a child, only to have her hope dashed within weeks of conception. Across town, another girlfriend struggled to put her life back together after watching her precious mother lose a battle with cancer.
The list goes on. While I waited for my heart to heal, another close friend waited and waited for a job offer during a long season of unemployment, only to find closed doors at every turn. And then, I can't count the number of single girls I know who are waiting for God to provide husbands, or women of all ages who are waiting for healing from an illness.
Life can be brutally hard sometimes.
I don't want to spoil the book, but I not only survived my wilderness, I came out on the other side with one incredible story to tell. It's a great adventure … a wild frontier with some spectacular views. Along the way I learned some pretty amazing lessons. Lessons that I'd like to call "Wilderness Skills." Skills, because I'm pretty sure this isn't my last trek into the wild, and should I return, I've learned some things this go-around that I'll be certain to put into practice the next time I find myself lost in the outback.
Whether you find yourself facing loneliness or rejection, temptation or despair, I know this one thing for sure: the wilderness season you are facing will either make you or break you.
Hold on, my friend. Don't give up. You are not alone. Jesus also walked through the wilderness, and He has given us His Word as our map and Himself as our guide. I wish so desperately that I could hold your hand and teach you these skills myself. Try as I may, my words fail to give you my heart. I know your pain. I understand the brokenness. I've lived this thing … and the truths found in these chapters aren't mere theories … they are life.

MARRIED TO THE JOB

by Camerin Courtney
August 25, 2004


http://www.christianitytoday.com/singles/newsletter/mind40825.html

I'm having an affair with Jean-Luc. No, not some beret-wearing, cheese-loving French guy (I wish!). No, I'm talking about Jean-Luc, my laptop computer.

I realize this as I'm sitting here writing this column on said paramour while a perfectly fabulous day awaits just feet outside the coffee shop window beside me. I also realized this when Jean-Luc and I walked through the door and the barrista behind the counter started preparing my drink before I even had a chance to utter my high maintenance half-caf, skim, no-whip hazelnut baccio. Obviously our presence here is nothing new.

The people at the quaint little bistro tables around me are chatting happily, as normal people do on weekend days. A woman just entered with a library book to read. Then there's me, working away. Again. Still.

I can argue that I have a column to write and other freelance projects to complete, that writing is in some ways "home" to me. But when I'm really honest, I admit I've been spending way too much time with Jean-Luc of late. And way too much time at work. I'm usually there until 6:30p.m., and closing time's 4:30p.m. I'm becoming a bit of a workaholic.

This is nothing new in our overworked, prove-your-worth-by-how-busy-you-are culture. But when I recently recognized the relationship between my singleness and my workaholism, I knew something needed to change.

I walked out of work around 7p.m. and realized the only other two cars in the parking lot belonged to fellow single people. Telling, no?

Sure, we have more flexibility to stay late and get things done. And yes, I sometimes get my second wind about ten minutes before quitting time. But, again, when I'm honest, I also admit that sometimes I don't go home as early as I should not because there's so much work to do, but because no one's waiting there for me.

At work I have community and roles to fill; someone notices when I complete a task (or don't!). In contrast, at home I have solitude and purely self-motivation for projects that must be completed. No one notices when I pay the bills or clean my bathroom. My pet parakeet doesn't even chirp his appreciation.

And sometimes, needed downtime in the evenings simply seems lonely. Since I live alone, there's no built-in community when I go home. Company can be hard to come by as everyone else is just as crazy-busy. And in reality, sometimes I don't even want much interaction, just someone else's presence. Even just a friend sitting across the room while we each read our respective novels, or a romantic interest whose lap I can rest my feet in while we silently watch TV together.

Regardless of how much interaction we want with others, or how we want to enjoy or fill our time off, it takes something I often forget: intentionality. Ironically, I was reminded of this recently when I was reeling from a breakup. I was brokenhearted and having a hard time being alone, so I called up just about everyone I know to schedule lunches, dinners, evening coffee runs. Though we were talking through tough emotions part of the time, part of me simply enjoyed the constant community. I had a different sense of peace and connectedness that week.

This wasn't necessarily a new concept, just a wake-up call that I'd gotten lazy of late and had allowed work to become a key part of my community. My mistress, if you will. (Is there a male version of mistress? Perhaps "pool boy"?)

I know I'm not alone in this singleness workaholism struggle. Just the other day, a single friend told me he realized he'd been working too much of late and was trying to strike a new healthier balance between work and play. And when I went in search of stats about singles and workaholism, I stumbled on this quote from author Richard Gosse, "Workaholism is a frequent problem among single people. Work enables you to escape the fear, loneliness, and boredom that often plague singles." Ouch!

When I look at my work patterns of late, I realize this is exactly what I've been doing—escaping some evening loneliness and boredom by staying at work later and later. Sure, the pattern started when our staff experienced a recent crunch time. But, I have to admit, it's partly continued out of laziness and escapism. And sure, there are much worse things to fill our downtime with than too much work. But I wonder if sometimes God wants to meet us in those silent moments we're often quick to fill with work, or any other number of distractions. Or maybe that awkward evening time is just the motivation we need to seek out a new ministry pursuit, friendship, or extended prayer time.

The funny thing is, I fell into this overwork pattern so subtly and since no one sees and holds me accountable for my daily comings and goings, I didn't even realize what I was doing. That is, until it recently dawned on me that I'm now on a first-name basis with our company's nighttime janitor.

But here I am working again—and on a beautiful weekend day. A family just drove up on their bicycles and have wandered in for some gelatto. A mother and daughter just walked by on a leisurely stroll.

That does it! I'm packing up Jean-Luc, retrieving from my car one of the novels I've been reading lately, and heading to the park down the street. And later I think I'll call a friend and see if she wants to go for a walk.

Jean-Luc might get a little miffed that I'm standing him up for non-electronic friends. But I think he always knew I'd eventually pull the plug on our relationship.

Sabtu, 11 Oktober 2008

UNDERSTANDING MARITAL CONFLICT

By Sheena Berg

http://www.articlealley.com/article_636401_35.html

In any marriage, even the most loving and agreeable, there will be times when there are disagreements, and the manner that couple resolves conflict determines the welfare, quality and longevity of the marriage. Some couples mistakenly believe their marriage has no chance of success if they have disputes, which may be due to the old-school belief that conflict is best avoided to ensure family unity. The result of conflict avoidance is often simmering anger and deep-seated resentment about unresolved issues.

Ironically, voicing disagreements may actually foster growth and closeness in a relationship if the conflict is resolved constructively. Conflict is normal and inevitable, and in blended families, issues of transitioning kids, ex-spouses, financial problems and parenting differences can increase the range of disagreements with negative outcomes.

Although one of many experts in the field of relationships and conflict resolution, Dr Scott Haltzman offers unique perspective and practical advice in his best-selling book, The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wifes Heart Forever. Dr Haltzman has distilled on-going research from thousands of married men into a helpful guide that highlights eight effective strategies that make marriages work.

Strategy # 4, "Expect Conflict and Deal with It," helps couples gain a better understanding of conflict by describing the way men and women are biologically equipped to deal with it, the moods and motives that cultivate disagreements, the patterns of conflicts and how to diffuse them. Everyone wants to feel listened to, cared for and validated, and being aware of this goes a long way to helping couples put the brakes on conflict and smooth things over before they explode.

Heres what Dr Haltzman wants us to know about conflict:

1. Happy and unhappy couples argue about the same amount of time and about the same basic issues: money, sex and housework being the three most common.

2. 69 % of disputes in a marriage are never resolved, and thats an acceptable level.

3. Both men and women can employ constructive ways to debate issues, and to agree to disagree.

4. Conflict many times arises due to the biological differences in how the sexes perceive conflict and how they deal with it.

Dr Haltzman describes the 4 common ways that fights accelerate. See if you can spot yourself or your partner in any of these descriptions:

Feeding the Fire: We all know the situation where a criticism or complaint is thrown out, the response being more hostility, and so on, until its a free-for-all that includes ancient history from arguments past. An escalating, major altercation cannot just be shut down like an out-of-control video game, but keeps going at an ever-increasing pace. Strategies for calming out-of-control "fires" include softening your tone, becoming aware of areas of agreement, focusing on the positive and "holding that emotion," which essentially entails stopping yourself from escalating into a higher gear with hurtful comments.

Withdrawal and Avoidance: Men are more likely to withdraw from and not deal with a complaint than women are, and this sends a discounting message to women that makes them very irritated. Women object to avoidance because discussing an issue makes them feel better, even though the issue may not be resolved. Men avoid and withdraw for sound biological reasons but these behaviors fuel the fire of conflict with the women in their lives.

Negative Interpretation: Assigning unintended negative meaning to things a spouse does or doesnt say can incite major conflict that can escalate easily, since each partner is responding to something that was neither voiced nor meant. Clarifying one's meaning and active listening can help reduce this.

Finger Pointing: This is the classic blaming that requires an answer, which turns into defensiveness and more blame. The effective technique is to use I statements that point the finger at yourself rather than your spouse. The most important element of a conflict is how its resolved or "patched up" when a quarrel is concluded. Both men and women must choose whether being right is more important than preserving a healthy marriage. Among recently wed couples that could not patch things up after a contention, the divorce rate was 90 %, versus an 84% successful marriage rate of those who managed to come to an understanding.

Couples can have fun trying out all different strategies to get back on track after a fight; this puts the fight behind them so they can move past that and focus on the aim of enjoying a happy marriage.

THE IMPORTANCE OF PLAY

By: Judy Hansen

http://www.articlecity.com/articles/family/article_2742.shtml

For children, play is naturally enjoyable. And since it is their active engagement in things that interest them, play should be child-led, or at least child-inspired, for it to remain relevant and meaningful to them. Children at play are happily lost in themselves; they are in their own realm of wonder, exploration, and adventure, pulling parents in at times with a frequent “Let’s play, mom!” as an open invitation into that world.

As early as infancy, children immerse themselves in play activities with the purpose of making sense of the world around them. Play gives children the opportunity to learn and experience things themselves, which is vital for their development. Although peek-a-boo games seem pointless to adults, tots are awed by the surprise that awaits them as they see the suddenly emerging faces of people they love.

(Stages of Play)

During toddlerhood, children experience a motor-growth spurt that equips them to solitarily fiddle with anything they can get their hands on – be it a construction toy or the box from where it came.

Toddlers also love breaking into song, wiggling and jiggling to tunes, and imitating finger plays they are commonly exposed to.

Preschoolers begin extending their play to involve others, whether they bring others in at any stage of their game or they plan their game and its players’ way ahead. Their physical and motor skills allow them to widen their lay arena, from dramatic play to table games to outdoor pursuits.

School-age children start appreciating organized play – such as innovated songs and rhymes, games with rules, relays and other physical activities, sports and projects that they can accomplish over a certain time frame.

Play Perks:

Why the big fuss about playing? Play benefits the child in ways that might be a tad difficult for adults to imagine.

1. Play brings pure and utter joy.

A toddler who jumps into an empty box and runs around the house ‘driving a car’ shows the sheer happiness that play brings him or her. When children are asked what they did in school and they answer ‘play,’ it is a clear sign that these kids remember a feeling of genuine joy that is captured in this four-letter word.

2. Play fosters socio-emotional learning.

What does a ten-month-old baby who shrieks at the sight of her stuffed toy have in common with a ten-year-old boy who plays basketball with his friends? They both deal with their confidence as they choose to embark on their play activities. At the same time, they are displaying their independence in the decisions that they make. These two children are also internalizing social rules in their respective play situations: the baby waits patiently for her stuffed toy to appear, while the school-age child has to contend with an impending loss in a ball game.

3. Play hones physical and motor development.

Play often involves the use of the senses, the body, and the extremities. When children play, they exercise their bodies for physical strength, fluidity of movement, balance and coordination.

Perceptual-motor ability, or the capacity to coordinate what you perceive with how you move, is an essential skill that preschoolers need to develop. A three-year-old who is engrossed in digging, scooping, and pouring sand into a container must match his or her perception of the space in front of him or her with actual hand movements, so that he or she can successfully fulfill the motor activity.

4. Play facilitates cognitive learning.

Play is vital to the intellectual development of a child. We live in a symbolic world in which people need to decode words, actions, and numbers.

For young children, symbols do not naturally mean anything because they are just arbitrary representations of actual objects. The role of play is for the child to understand better cognitive concepts in ways that are enjoyable, real, concrete, and meaningful to them. For instance, through play, a child is able to comprehend that the equation 3 + 2 = 5 means ‘putting together’ his toy cars by lining them up in his makeshift parking lot. When he combines 2 triangles to make a square during block play, or writes down his score is a bowling game, the child is displaying what he knows about shapes and numbers.

Through play, the child is constructing his or her worldview by constantly working and reworking his understanding of concepts.

5. Play enhances language development.

Toddlers who are still grappling with words need to be immersed in oral language so they can imitate what they hear. They benefit from songs and rhymes that provide the basis for understanding how language works.

When these tots are playing with toys, adults model to them how language is used to label objects or describe an event. At play, preschoolers use language to interact, communicate ideas, and likewise learn from dialogues with more mature members of society.

6. Play encourages creativity.

Barney the dinosaur was right about using imagination to make things happen. A lump of Play-Doh suddenly turns into spaghetti with meat sauce and cheese; a small towel transforms into a cape that completes a superhero’s wardrobe; and a tin can serves as a drum that accompanies an aspiring rock artist. Play opens an entire avenue for children to express themselves, show what they know and how they feel, and to create their own masterpieces.

7. Play provides bonding opportunities.

Play is an important factor in child development. It provides for interaction, experimentation, and moral development. Here are some ways by which parents can encourage and support their children’s playtime.

- Let your child be the player-leader. Let children initiate their activity, set their own theme, choose the parameters where the play will take place. Play becomes a venue for children to express their feelings and be in control.

- Help them help themselves. When your 5-year-old asks for help, say, figuring out how to piece a puzzle together, stop yourself from coming to her rescue and first ask your child questions that allow him or her to help himself or herself. Say, “Where do you think this piece should go?” Afterward, commend his or her success.

- Play attention. Once you make a commitment to play with your child, watch for the following signals: Does he or she want you to actively play a part in the activity? Does he or she need encouragement? Is he or she tired or hungry? Does he or she need to take a break?

- Have a play plan. If you seem to have little time for playing with your child, consider using self-care chores to have fun with him or her. Also, get support from other people in your household, like older siblings, household help, or the child’s grandparents, so that they understand why play is important and how they should continue to encourage it.

Jumat, 10 Oktober 2008

The Vulnerable Prenate

William R. Emerson, Ph.D.

William Emerson holds advanced degrees from Vanderbilt and San Jose State Universities, is author of fifteen publications and a series of seven training videos on "Treating Birth Trauma During Infancy," Healing Birth Trauma in Children," and "Infant and Child Birth Refacilitation," which reflect his pioneering approach to the early resolution of trauma. Emerson Seminars for parents and for professionals are held regularly in several cities in the United States, England, and Europe.

*This article is reprinted from Pre- & Perinatal Psychology Journal, 10(3), Spring 1996, 125-142.

http://www.birthpsychology.com/healing/emerson.html

Introduction

The prenate is vulnerable in a number of ways that are generally unrecognized and unarticulated. Most people think or assume that prenates are unaware, and seldom attribute to them the status of being human. I recall a recent train trip, where an expectant mother sat in a smoking car filled with boisterous and noisy people. I asked her whether she had any concern for her unborn baby, and whether she thought the smoke or the noise would be bothersome to her unborn child. Her reply was, "Well of course not, my dear. They are not very intelligent or awake yet." Nothing could be further from the truth. Theory and research from the last 20 years indicates that prenatal experiences can be remembered, and have lifelong impact. The major purpose of this article is to clarify the conditions under which prenatal experiences may be lifelong and to describe the theoretical and research perspectives that are necessary to understand the effects of prenatal traumatization. In addition, because the incidences of personal and societal violence are at an all-time peak and headed higher,

Interactional Trauma

The effects of prenatal traumatization cannot be predicted without knowledge of other factors, and prenatal experiences are likely to have lifelong impact when they are followed by reinforcing conditions or interactional trauma. The term interactional trauma means that traumas interact with each other in producing their effects. In statistical analyses, interactional means that the effects of factors depend on the presence of other factors. Both of these definitions communicate the meaning of interaction as it is used in this article. For example, it is unlikely that being stuck during the birthing process causes claustrophobia during adulthood. However, claustrophobia .is more likely if similar, reinforcing traumas occur.

In one such case that I treated, a baby who had been stuck during his birth was also locked in a closet for 24 hours as a child, and held and choked by his brother on several occasions. Several points are relevant here. First of all, prenatal traumas provide 'tinctures" for later experiences. Stated differently, life experiences are perceived in terms of prior and unresolved traumas. When a baby is stuck during birth, the baby is likely to perceive later events as entrapping, or to unconsciously manipulate or choose life situations that bring about entrapment. This process is called recapitulation. Secondly, similar or recapitulated events, independent of perceptual processes, are likely to reinforce prenatal traumas, resulting in relatively chronic symptoms. In the case of the baby just described, childhood events acted as reinforcements for the birth trauma, resulting in chronic claustrophobia.

The Effects of Prenatal Experiences: Prenates are Conscious Aware Beings

During the 1995 APPPAH Congress in San Francisco, David Chamberlain shared a case that exemplifies the consciousness of prenates. In this case, a baby was undergoing amniocentesis. Videotapes of the amniocentesis showed that when the needle was inserted into the uterus, the baby turned toward the needle and batted it away. Thinking that they had seen an aberration, medical staff repeated the needle insertion, and again, the baby batted the needle away. There are other anecdotal reports that babies routinely withdraw from needles as they are inserted into the uterus. From these observations, it is safe to conclude that babies are very conscious of what is happening around them, particularly with respect to events that have impact on them personally.

In her book From Fetus to Child, Alessandra Piontelli cites several cases of prenatal awareness. She describes a twin pair, at about four months of gestation, who were very conscious of each other, and had periodic interactions. One of the twins was actively aggressive, the other submissive. Whenever the dominant twin was pushing or hitting, the submissive twin withdrew and placed his head on the placenta, appearing to rest there. In life, when these twins were four years of age, they had the same relationship. Whenever there was fighting or tension between the pair, the passive twin would go to his room and put his head on his pillow. He also carried a pillow and used it as his "security blanket,' resting on it whenever his twin became aggressive. From this and other research (such as David Chamberlain's Babies Remember Birth, and Elizabeth Noble's Primal Connections), it seems clear that prenates are conscious beings and that behaviors that begin in utero are also likely to carry over into later life.

Prenatal Events are Remembered

For years, it was hard to understand how prenatal experiences could be remembered. The central nervous system is very rudimentary during the prenatal period, and is not fully myelinated (covered by a protective sheath). However, anecdotal reports of adults regressed to the prenatal period and remembering prenatal events are common in primal and regressive communities. In 1970 Graham Farrant, an Australian medical doctor, began experiencing prenatal events and recording his body experiences. He was quite astonished to discover that he experienced most of his significant prenatal memories at a cellular rather than a tissue or skeletal-muscular level, and he referred to his recollections as cellular memory. In 1975 Frank Lake, an English theologian and psychiatrist, found that prenatal memories stemmed from viral cells, that viruses were primitive prenatal cells that formed during trauma and carried traumatic memories. He consistently referred to prenatal memories in terms of cellular memories. Over the last five years, there has been a considerable amount of research done in cellular biology, all of it supporting the theory that memories can be encoded in cells. The research of Dr. Bruce Lipton, reported in the 1995 APPPAH Congress, is relevant here and supports the conclusions of Farrant and Lake.

Prenatal Memories May Be The Most Influential

A group of European psychologists, led by R. D. Laing and Frank Lake (both now deceased), contend that prenatal memories are the most influential because they are the first. This perspective is apparent in Laing's book The Facts of Life, where he srites, "The environment is registered from the very beginning of my life; by the first one (cell) of me. What happens to the first one or two of me may reverberate throughout all subsequent generations of our first cellular parents. That first one of us carries all my 'genetic' memories" (p. 30). He goes on to say, "It seems to me credible, at least, that all our experience in our life cycle, from cell one, is absorbed and stored from the beginning, perhaps especially in the beginning. How that may happen I do not know. How can one cell generate the billions of cells I now am? We are impossible, but for the fact that we are. When I look at the embryological stages in my life cycle, I experience what feel to me like sympathetic vibrations in me now...how I now feel I felt then" (p 36). Frank Lake mirrored Laing's perspectives. Lake contended that the most formative experiences were ones that occurred prenatally, especially during the first trimester. In the U.S., Lloyd deMause has also written about the social, cultural, and political influences of prenatal experiences, and reported on these findings during the 1995 APPPAH Congress.

Prenates Incorporate Parental Experiences and Feelings

From his regressions with adult patients, Lake also found that the most influential events were maternal experiences that passed biochemically through the umbilical cord by means of a group of chemicals called catecholamines, but it is also true that prenates incorporate psychic prenatal feelings and experiences, especially those of their mothers. Maternal emotions (and paternal emotions through the mother's emotional response to them) infiltrate the fetus. Research shows that what mothers experience, babies also experience. A good example is the following case. A woman's father died just prior to the conception of her child. She spent the whole nine months feeling depressed and grieving the loss of her father. If it is true that babies experience and remember what their mothers experience, then her baby should also have experienced loss and depression, and these feelings would be expected to resurface during childhood and/or adulthood. This appeared to be the case.

As a child, her baby was periodically depressed, and medical personnel could find no physiological or psychological basis for the depression (They were not cognizant of the child's prenatal experiences). When the child was depressed, he would draw pictures of old and dying men in caves (in pre- and perinatal psychology, caves are symbolic of wombs, the place where he experienced the loss of his grandfather). After drawing, he would feel better for a while, but the depression would slowly return. He was not conscious of any connection between his drawings and his grandfather's death. The depression became chronic when his parents were experiencing tension (his mother and father were living separately but raising him together). The tension symbolized the loss of his father and grandfather. His drawings sometimes depicted a little girl frantically searching for dying men. The little girl probably represented his own feminine, the mother's inner child, and/or a female twin's experience of the grandfather's loss. It is unlikely that grief would have resurfaced as chronic depression without the reinforcing conditions of father loss and parental discord.

It is important to realize that although prenates do take on the prenatal experiences of their parents, they also have their own unique experiences during the prenatal period, independent of their parents. The mechanisms of how this works are not clear, but numerous anecdotal reports and clinical cases show that prenates have their own experiences. For example, I recall the reports of a regressed child, a twin, who was repeatedly subjected to verbal and physical fights between his mother and her boyfriend during the prenatal period. He reported that his mother and her boyfriend were constantly fighting, but he and his twin would respond to this by cuddling up and rocking while the fighting went on. During the fighting, they both felt quite clever (to have avoided the tension) and relaxed. Perhaps the presence of a comforting twin can make separation from parental experiences easier.

When Reinforced, Prenatal Experiences May Have Dramatic and Symptomatic Influences

In the case of the woman who lost her father just prior to pregnancy, the baby presumably experienced the same loss that his mother experienced. In addition, a very tangible and personal trauma happened shortly thereafter. Early in the pregnancy, when she was eight weeks pregnant, the mother's husband abruptly left her for another woman. She was shocked by the experience and felt deeply abandoned. Presumably her unborn child felt abandoned as well. Because the woman had little financial security and did not want to raise a child by herself, she decided to abort her child.

She attempted several abortions, most often by using the hooked or curved end of a coat hanger. As a child, her baby was periodically sadistic and self-destructive. The manifestations of his sadism bore a striking resemblance to his mother's abortion attempts, although he was consciously unaware of them. He burned himself with cigarettes and gouged private parts of his body with sharp metal objects. His favorite sadistic instrument was a fishing hook, but he complained he could never buy ones that were big enough. As a young adult he was arrested thirty times for assault, and his modus operandi was reminiscent of his mother's attempts to abort him. He usually assaulted his victims when they were sleeping, by using heavy braided wire with a wire hook welded on the end!

Aggression and Violence are Pathological Symptoms Resulting from Multiple, Reinforcing Traumas with Themes of Loss, Abandonment, and Aggression

In the case just described, the prenate experienced the intense loss and abandonment that his mother experienced. In addition, he also experienced the abandonment that comes with parental narcissism, (i.e., his mother was so absorbed in her abandonment and loss that she had little or no cognizance of him, nor did she have time or energy to celebrate his presence). On the contrary, he was perceived as a burden, and as something to get rid of Consequently, he also experienced the aggression of his mother's abortion attempts on his life.

Prenatal and Birth Traumas Are Mirror Images

Prenatal traumas have two distinct impacts on birth. First of all, birth is often perceived and experienced in terms of prenatal traumatization. For example, babies who experience abortion attempts are also likely to experience birth as annihilative. Babies who experience near-death during implantation in the womb are likely to experience birth as a near-death experience. Babies who experience aggression or violence while in the womb are likely to experience the interventions of birth as aggressive and violent, even though there may be no such intent on the part of medical personnel or parents.

Secondly, as Sheila Kitzinger has documented, whenever there is significant prenatal stress (trauma), there is an increasing statistical likelihood that birth complications will occur. The greater the degree of stress or trauma during the prenatal period, the greater the likelihood of birth complications and obstetrical interventions. This is exactly what occurred in case of the mother whose father died just before she became pregnant, and who attempted several abortions. The mother had a very difficult birth with long labor and many complications. Many interventions were used and repeated, among which were inductions, augmentations, sedations, analgesias, anesthesias, forceps, episiotomy, intensive care placement, and respiration.

It should be pointed out that the severity of symptoms in the present case is due to the additional and reinforcing traumas, all involving loss, abandonment, and aggression. When the baby was three months old, the mother took him shopping in a stroller, forgot that he was with her, left him in an aisle of the store, and only realized her error hours later. In addition to this, she had a boyfriend who was repeatedly and physically abusive with her son during his early childhood. These multiple and reinforcing traumas manifested in his childhood and adulthood as aggression and violence.

Prenatal and Birth Traumas Impair Bonding at Birth

In addition to posing a risk of birth traumatization, prenatal traumas have another and more insidious impact. When traumas occur prior to or during birth, the quantity and quality of bonding is radically reduced. This reduction occurs for two reasons. The first has to do with the defensive dulling of mind and body, a natural defense against (Bloch, 1985). This self-anesthetization occurs because of the hormonal changes that normally occur in the body during and after trauma and shock. When the body and mind are dulled, and when the body is exhausted from stress, the quantity and quality of bonding are lessened.

The second impact has to do with the failure of parents and others to acknowledge traumatization, which diminishes the bonding process even further. When traumas occur, there is a critical period of time afterward during which humans require understanding, acknowledgment, and compassion in order for shock to subside and healing to begin. However, it is rare for babies to receive understanding, acknowledgment, and compassion after their prenatal and birth traumas, simply because no one knows or believes that traumas have taken place. As has been verified in my own clinical research with babies, unacknowledged traumas create distrust in babies, and this significantly impedes the bonding process. In contrast, it is informative to witness the level and depth of bonding in babies who have not been traumatized, or whose traumatization is being seen and acknowledged. The bonding is noteworthy by its depth, intensity, and duration. One only has to witness such bonding to realize that bonding is significantly reduced and altered by the presence of unacknowledged and unresolved traumatization.

Lack of Bonding Predisposes the Individual to Aggression and Violence In my work with infants over the past 25 years, I have discovered some important interrelationships between prenatal trauma, birth trauma, bonding, and aggression. The first interrelationship is that birth actively impairs the bonding process because many aspects of the birthing process are psychologically and physically painful for babies. Medical exams and medical tests are often experienced by babies as unnecessary, invasive, and painful, and this is rarely acknowledged. Medical personnel routinely separate babies from parents after birth, and separation is often experienced as terrifying abandonment.

Placement in intensive care is frequently experienced as terrifying, lonely, overstimulating, and painful abandonment. Anesthetization is particularly impactful on bonding because residual amounts of anesthesia are common in babies, even hours and days after birth, and anesthesia makes babies (and mothers) numb and therefore less available to the bonding process. Epidurals were thought to be superior to other anesthetics because they would not inhibit the bonding process as much, but research shows that mothers who receive epidurals show less attachment to their babies than mothers who do not. These are some examples of the effects of birth trauma on bonding. In all cases bonding is affected because it is difficult for babies to trust their parents when their parents do not accurately perceive or acknowledge their prenatal and birth traumas. In general, the greater the number and severity of unacknowledged prenatal and birth traumas, the greater the impact on bonding.

Secondly, when traumas are largely untreated, the influence on bonding is exacerbated because the traumatized infant remains in a defensive stance with respect to the world, and does not "let the world touch him." Many parents report to me that their babies are very independent, but this is often a cover for defensiveness. Such babies act as if they are OK and do not need comforting or support. They do not easily let themselves be comforted and held, either pushing their parents away and/or ignoring their attempts to comfort and console them. Many times they will only let their parents comfort them after considerable resistance.

Third, it is important to realize that a lack of bonding may be sufficient, in and of itself, to create aggression and violence. This surprising fact has been brought to light by various researchers. For example, Magid and McKelvey (1988) reported that children with severe bonding difficulties do not develop a conscience, and perform asocial or antisocial acts without remorse. Felicity De Zulueta (1993) summarized research in the field of bonding and attachment, and concluded that violent aggression is the result of damaged bonding. She writes, "One of the most important outcomes of...studies on attachment behavior is the emerging link between psychological trauma, such as loss (of a bond)...and destructive or violent behavior." She concludes that the more damage that is done to bonding, the greater the likelihood of aggression and violence during childhood and adulthood. Fourth, it is clear from the observations of clinical researchers that the probability of societal aggression and violence are increased greatly by the presence of aggression or violence during the pre- and perinatal periods of development. Prenates pick up on aggressive and violent energies, and are likely to repeat what they experience in their prenatal life space.

What Kinds of Pre- and Perinatal Experiences Underline Aggression and Violence?

As a way of determining the prenatal, etiological bases for violence and aggression, I posed a basic question to a number of experts in the field, among whom were R. D. Laing, Frank Lake, Barbara Valassis, Barbara Findelsen, Stan Grof, Michael Irving, and others. I asked them to report on the kinds of regressive experiences that their aggressive and violent patients had uncovered and/or reported, and that were central in the success of treatment. Among their varied responses were common threads of consensus, among which were: (1) pre- and perinatal experiences were paramount in aggression and violence; (2) childhood experiences seemed to reflect and reinforce prenatal traumatization; (3) aggression and violence were related to the severest levels of pre- and perinatal trauma; (4) consistently related to aggression and violence were themes of loss, abandonment, rejection, and aggression; and (5) certain pre- and perinatal traumas were consistently related to aggression and violence. These experiences are described below.

In reading through these experiences, it is important to remember several basic principles, references above. First of all, multiple prenatal traumas are more likely to result in violence and aggression than single traumas. Secondly, bonding deficiencies are directly related to aggression and violence. The greater the degree of bonding deficits, the greater the likelihood of violence and aggression. Third, prenatal traumas that involve loss, abandonment, or rejection are more likely to impact bonding than other traumatic themes, and are also more likely to result in the complete absence of bonding than traumas involving other themes. Finally, the direct exposure to aggression and violence during the prenatal period is highly predictive of violence and aggression during adulthood. The old adage, "Children learn what they live," is relevant here. Like children, prenates "learn what they live," and prenates subjected to aggression -and violence are likely to manifest the same in their adult lives.

Conception

When clients who have problems with aggression and violence are regressed, they frequently encounter the experience of conception. They report that they are conscious of traumatic issues outside of themselves, in their family or immediate surroundings. The most frequently mentioned traumas involved forced sex, manipulated sex, date rape, rape, substance abuse, physical abuse, dismal familial, social, or cultural conditions, and personal or cultural shame, such as when children are conceived out of wedlock. They often experience biological encounters as sperm and/or eggs which involve intense aggression, annihilation, death, power, and/or rejection. To cite an example of traumatic conception, one child was conceived out of wedlock in a small religious community where such things were disdained. Her mother experienced shame, guilt, and public ridicule before deciding to "keep her," and the child experienced the same guilt, shame, and ridicule that her mother did. The public ridicule was experienced as particularly annihilating and hostile. This led to character patterns of self-righteousness, self-ridicule, masochism, and hostility.

Implantation

Implantation is the biological process whereby the conceptus attaches itself to the uterine wall, and is a vital and precarious stage of embryological development. Prior to and during implantation, regressed patients report that they experienced the terror of beomg near death. They report feeling unwanted and that they have no place to go, no place to belong, and 'decide' that the world is a hostile and unsafe place. They often collapse in hopelessness, retaliate in rage, fluctuate between these two extremes, and/or manifest intense rescue complexes (the need to rescue others and/or be rescued). Christ's life was, in many ways, a metaphor of implantation. There was "no room in the Inn," and He had no place that He belonged. And as the Bible declares, His life was manifested in order for Him to save and rescue mankind.

Many individuals with problems of aggression report the loss of a twin. Their problems with aggression typically have to do with masochism and/or neurotic self criticism. Embryological research indicates that loss of a twin may be much more likely than previously thought. Embryologists estimate that between 30% to 80% of conceptions are actually multiple (i.e. twins) rather than single. Since the rate of birthed twins is far less than 30% to 80% percent, embryologists conclude that many conceptions involved the death of one or more twins. This can be prior to or during implantation, although some happen after implantation.

People who experience the loss of a twin manifest several common dynamics. First of all, there is an ineffable but profound sense of loss, despair, and rage. These feelings are usually held in, but are sometimes acted out against others. Secondly, there is a chronic but unarticulated fear that loss will happen again, and pervasive insecurity. The threat of loss is defended against by distancing from others, or by engaging in codependent relationships. Third, the ability to bond with others is deficient or neurotic because there is a lack of trust in relationships, or disbelief that relationships will last. Fourth, there is often an over compliance in life, based on the unconscious feeling that "if I don't do what is expected or wanted, I will die." Over compliance feeds hostility and aggression toward others, since one cannot take care of oneself when constantly complying with others. Finally, prenatal experiences of near death and/or loss are sometimes turned against oneself or others, resulting in sadistic and masochistic behaviors, criminal violence, or sadomasochistic thinking and behavior.

Discovery of Unwanted Pregnancy

When aggressive clients regress to the prenatal period, they frequently and spontaneously regress to the time the pregnancy was discovered, and many of them are surprised to find that they were unwanted. The discovery of being unwanted typically leads to the realization that lifelong episodes of depression, self-destructiveness, or aggression are a direct expression of prenatal rejection. They typically report that they can trust only themselves, and that their whole lives have been geared toward denying or finding the acceptance and love that they did not receive as prenates. The percentage of aggressive clients who were unwanted at the time of discovery is quite high, and has important implications for bonding disorders. Typical responses to being unwanted are to collapse into helplessness and hopelessness, to rage at others and the world's injustice, and/or refuse to engage in life.

Prenatal Aggression

The majority of adults with problems in aggression learn that they were unwanted at the time of discovery, but many of them also learn that they were exposed to other forms of aggression during the pre- and perinatal period. Some common forms of aggression are warfare, gang fights, domestic violence, conception through rape, physical or sexual abuse of parents or siblings, annihilative energies, intrauterine toxicities, and/or abortion attempts. Prenates who experience one or more of these aggressive conditions are at risk for manifesting aggression and violence, and the greater the number of conditions, the greater the likelihood of aggression and violence.

Adoption

Adoption trauma refers to a broad range of painful experiences that are common to adoption. When children are adopted, they are more likely to have experienced some level of abortion trauma--there may have been direct attempts on life, abortion plans with no attempts, or abortion ideations but no plans. All of these are traumatizing to varying degrees. In addition they are likely to have experienced discovery trauma (child unwanted at the time of discovery), conception trauma (child unwanted at time of conception), or psychological toxicity (child exposed to mother's annihilative or ambivalent feelings, or to socio-cultural shame).

Adoption trauma has many different levels. The lowest level occurs when parents want their children but reluctantly give them up for adoption because external circumstances dictate. A higher level occurs when parents do not want their children and seriously consider abortion. The highest level occurs when parents are unequivocally opposed to having children, when pregnancies are resented, when abortions, are attempted, when children are put up for adoption, and when children are fostered a number of times. At high risk for aggression are children who experience the severest levels of adoption trauma.

Pre- and Perinatal Medical Procedures

When prenates experience severe forms of traumatization, as described above, they are also likely to perceive subsequent events in similar contexts. This is especially true when subsequent events are stressful life transitions (such as birth, adolescence, first jobs, new relationships, etc.), and/or when subsequent events are symbolically similar to traumatizing events. For example, if prenates experience prenatal violence, then they are likely to experience life transitions (such as birth) in violent ways. Freud called this process recapitulation. Among other definitions, recapitulation means that prenatal experiences shape how subsequent life experiences are perceived.

The following case is an example of a mother who had only limited prenatal traumas, but which nevertheless influenced her baby's perceptions and experiences of the birthing process. The mother was 28 years old, and had never attempted to conceive a child. Her own mother had had difficulty conceiving children, so she was anxious about her ability to conceive. She wanted to have a child, and in spite of being unmarried, conceived a child with her boyfriend, who was also ambivalent. They conceived after much effort, whereupon the boyfriend turned brutal and violent against the mother and her baby (it was later discovered that the boyfiiend's father had been abusive to him during the prenatal period). A series of beatings occurred, after which the mother fled. She spent the remainder of her pregnancy in a distant and safe place, under conditions that were close to "ideal." She was attentive to herself, her body, and to her baby. She meditated daily and earned income from work she did at home. She had an extensive and supportive family system as well as friends, and the remainder of the pregnancy was uneventful in terms of other stresses and traumas.

She devoted time to her unborn baby every day, talking and singing to him, and doing bonding exercises. She gave birth at home, and described the birth as short and simple, with no complications. In spite of having a largely positive pregnancy and an easy birth, the early abusive experiences haunted her and her baby. In particular, her baby experienced the birth as very traumatic. (This is not an unusual event, even when mothers describe births as simple and uneventful). This was evident in childhood memories of his third trimester and birth. He experienced his mother's jogging during the third trimester as abusive, saying that his head bounced painfully on his mother's pelvic bones. He experienced the perineal massages (given repeatedly during birth) as intrusive, and the contractions as abusive and violent. He was aware of his mother's physical pain, felt the birth was hurting her, and felt guilty that he could not protect her. In short, all of his birth feelings appeared to be overlays and manifestations of his unresolved abuse traumas from the first trimester. It is important to realize that, even more so than children or adults, prenates perceive and interpret life experiences in terms of past experiences. This is so because prenates do not have sufficient neurological integrity or adequate life experiences to assist in discriminating between current and historical realities.

When prenates experience abandonment, rejection, violence, or abuse, as has been described in this paper, they routinely bring these experiences to bear during the birthing process. Amniocentesis needles and chorionic villae catheters are commonly perceived as aggressive, annihilating, and/or rejecting instruments. Anesthetic procedures are often perceived as attempts to disempower or to poison (a reflection of abortion trauma). Augmentations (inductions and "breaking waters") are usually experienced as boundary violations. Forceps and vacuum extractions are often perceived as attempts to control or annihilate. Contractions are often perceived as attempts to annihilate, destroy, or impede. For example, one adult who had been exposed to chemical and mechanical abortion attempts (his mother had taken low-dose cyanide pills and repeatedly pummeled her abdomen and uterus) experienced contractions as attempts to beat him to death, and experienced anesthesia administrations as attempts to poison him.

It is vital that medical and obstetrical personnel understand the importance and relevance of pre- and perinatal traumas, and understand that babies are likely to experience the birthing process in terms of prior traumatizations. This means that birth can be very traumatic, simply on the basis of personal history. If this fact were known, then medical interventions could be limited to situations where they were absolutely necessary, or medical interventions could be humanized in a variety of ways. Some useful procedures might be asking the permission of babies to implement procedures and getting responses through the mother's intuition, letting babies know that they might experience pains and discomforts, and empathizing in terms of prior traumas, letting babies know that birth is a difficult transition with the potential for negative and overwhelming feelings and acknowledging babies post-birth emotions as legitimate expressions of a difficult birthing process"all this could help to minimize potential trauma. It is also important to acknowledge the positive aspects of birthing, the wonder and joy that belongs to the birthing process. Few births are entirely difficult, and few are completely free from trauma or pain. We need to acknowledge the whole gamut of human experiences as they unfold during the birthing process.

Treatment

It is important that pre- and perinatal traumas be treated as early as possible. This is so because, as previously discussed, early traumas shape how subsequent events will be perceived and experienced. If treatment occurs early on, during gestation or the first year, then childhood experiences can be freed from prenatal influences, and children can live their lives unencumbered by the bonds of trauma. The effects of trauma have been described elsewhere (Emerson, 1992, 1994). Unresolved traumas affect the spiritual and psychological development of children. In contrast, children who had no trauma, or whose traumas have been resolved, are clearly unique in the following ways. They are more spiritually evolved, manifest higher levels of human potential, and are developmentally precocious. They exhibit higher self-esteem and intelligence test scores, and they are more empathic, emotionally mature, cooperative, creative, affectionate, loving, focused, and self-aware than untreated and traumatized children (Emerson, 1993).

The fact that pre- and perinatal traumas shape how subsequent life events are experienced does not mean that childhood experiences, in and of themselves, are unimportant in terms of human development. On the contrary, childhood experiences are very important in determining and shaping who children will become. It is precisely because childhood experiences are so important that it is vital to free childhood from the bonds of pre- and perinatal trauma. If these traumas can be resolved before childhood, then childhood has the opportunity to be experienced on its own, without traumatic influence from the prenatal period, and without the defensive forces that inhibit feelings of safety, security, and growth. Furthermore, children can be freed to exhibit and manifest their own unique human potential, to utilize their own inherent levels of intelligence, and to, become themselves, unencumbered by prior traumas.

In addition to these benefits, society can be freed from the increasing burden of aggression and violence. According to statistics reported at the 1995 APPPAH Congress, violence and aggression are on the rise, and are reaching epidemic proportions. Therapists who specialize in anger resolution report that about one client in five carries a significant degree of anger and rage. Aggression and violence are on the rise, and are extremely costly in terms of human lives, in terms of financial and budgetary considerations (prisons, jails, and law enforcement are very costly, and deprive our school systems of needed finances), and in terms of the safe and efficient functioning of our institutions. These violent feelings are directed toward self and others, and are very difficult to resolve for the following reasons. First of all, most therapists do not realize that anger and rage, at their deepest levels, are caused by pre- and perinatal traumas, and are related to perinatal bonding deficits.

Secondly, most clinicians fail to realize that anger and rage cannot be resolved solely by talking therapies. Instead, anger and rage require physical and emotional release. Third, anger and rage are inextricably intertwined with low self-esteem, shame, guilt, disempowerment, and forgiveness. These concepts need to be understood and recognized in the treatment of aggressive disorders. Finally, the ultimate resolution of rage and anger requires that relevant pre- and perinatal traumas be uncovered, encountered, catharted, repatterned, and integrated into consciousness. Additional aspects of treatment should include opportunities for re-bonding, i.e., for bonding in ways that were impossible at the time of traumatization, or bonding in ways that were inhibited by unresolved traumas. The Association for Pre- and Perinatal Psychology and Health, the International Primal Association, The Star Foundation, and Emerson Training Seminars have personnel and lists of professionals who do such work.


References

Bloch, G. (1985). Body & Self. Elements of Human Biology, Behavior, and Health. Los Altos, CA: William Kaufmann, Inc.
De Zulueta, F. (1993). From Pain to Violence. London: Whurr Publishers.
Emerson, W. (1994). Trauma Impacts: Audio taped presentations. Seattle 1992, Petaluma 1992, and March 1993. Emerson Training Seminars.
Emerson, W. (1995a). "The Vulnerable Prenate." Paper presented to the APPPAH Congress, San Francisco. Available on audio tape from Sounds True (303) 449-6229.
Emerson, W. (1993). "Treatment Outcomes," Petaluma, CA: Emerson Training Seminars.
Emerson, W. (1995/1996). Treating Birth Trauma During Infancy. A series of five videos. Available from Emerson Training Seminars, Petaluma, CA: (707) 763-7024.
Laing, R. D. (1976). The Facts of Life. New York: Pantheon Books.
Magid, K., and McKelvey, C. (1988). High Risk: Children Without a Conscience. New York: Bantam Books.

Introduction

The prenate (i.e., the unborn baby) is vulnerable in a number of ways that are generally unrecognized and unarticulated. Most people think or assume that prenates are unaware, and seldom attribute to them the status of being human. I recall a recent train trip, where an expectant mother sat in a smoking car filled with boisterous and noisy people. I asked her whether she had any concern for her unborn baby, and whether she thought the smoke or the noise would be bothersome to her unborn child. Her reply was, "Well of course not, my dear. They are not very intelligent or awake yet." Nothing could be further from the truth. Theory and research from the last 20 years indicates that prenatal experiences can be remembered, and have lifelong impact. The major purpose of this article is to clarify the conditions under which prenatal experiences may be lifelong and to describe the theoretical and research perspectives that are necessary to understand the effects of prenatal traumatization. In addition, because the incidences of personal and societal violence are at an all-time peak and headed higher,

Interactional Trauma

The effects of prenatal traumatization cannot be predicted without knowledge of other factors, and prenatal experiences are likely to have lifelong impact when they are followed by reinforcing conditions or interactional trauma. The term interactional trauma means that traumas interact with each other in producing their effects. In statistical analyses, interactional means that the effects of factors depend on the presence of other factors. Both of these definitions communicate the meaning of interaction as it is used in this article. For example, it is unlikely that being stuck during the birthing process causes claustrophobia during adulthood. However, claustrophobia .is more likely if similar, reinforcing traumas occur.

In one such case that I treated, a baby who had been stuck during his birth was also locked in a closet for 24 hours as a child, and held and choked by his brother on several occasions. Several points are relevant here. First of all, prenatal traumas provide 'tinctures" for later experiences. Stated differently, life experiences are perceived in terms of prior and unresolved traumas. When a baby is stuck during birth, the baby is likely to perceive later events as entrapping, or to unconsciously manipulate or choose life situations that bring about entrapment. This process is called recapitulation. Secondly, similar or recapitulated events, independent of perceptual processes, are likely to reinforce prenatal traumas, resulting in relatively chronic symptoms. In the case of the baby just described, childhood events acted as reinforcements for the birth trauma, resulting in chronic claustrophobia.

The Effects of Prenatal Experiences: Prenates are Conscious Aware Beings

During the 1995 APPPAH Congress in San Francisco, David Chamberlain shared a case that exemplifies the consciousness of prenates. In this case, a baby was undergoing amniocentesis. Videotapes of the amniocentesis showed that when the needle was inserted into the uterus, the baby turned toward the needle and batted it away. Thinking that they had seen an aberration, medical staff repeated the needle insertion, and again, the baby batted the needle away. There are other anecdotal reports that babies routinely withdraw from needles as they are inserted into the uterus. From these observations, it is safe to conclude that babies are very conscious of what is happening around them, particularly with respect to events that have impact on them personally.

In her book From Fetus to Child, Alessandra Piontelli cites several cases of prenatal awareness. She describes a twin pair, at about four months of gestation, who were very conscious of each other, and had periodic interactions. One of the twins was actively aggressive, the other submissive. Whenever the dominant twin was pushing or hitting, the submissive twin withdrew and placed his head on the placenta, appearing to rest there. In life, when these twins were four years of age, they had the same relationship. Whenever there was fighting or tension between the pair, the passive twin would go to his room and put his head on his pillow. He also carried a pillow and used it as his "security blanket,' resting on it whenever his twin became aggressive. From this and other research (such as David Chamberlain's Babies Remember Birth, and Elizabeth Noble's Primal Connections), it seems clear that prenates are conscious beings and that behaviors that begin in utero are also likely to carry over into later life.

Prenatal Events are Remembered

For years, it was hard to understand how prenatal experiences could be remembered. The central nervous system is very rudimentary during the prenatal period, and is not fully myelinated (covered by a protective sheath). However, anecdotal reports of adults regressed to the prenatal period and remembering prenatal events are common in primal and regressive communities. In 1970 Graham Farrant, an Australian medical doctor, began experiencing prenatal events and recording his body experiences. He was quite astonished to discover that he experienced most of his significant prenatal memories at a cellular rather than a tissue or skeletal-muscular level, and he referred to his recollections as cellular memory. In 1975 Frank Lake, an English theologian and psychiatrist, found that prenatal memories stemmed from viral cells, that viruses were primitive prenatal cells that formed during trauma and carried traumatic memories. He consistently referred to prenatal memories in terms of cellular memories. Over the last five years, there has been a considerable amount of research done in cellular biology, all of it supporting the theory that memories can be encoded in cells. The research of Dr. Bruce Lipton, reported in the 1995 APPPAH Congress, is relevant here and supports the conclusions of Farrant and Lake.

Prenatal Memories May Be The Most Influential

A group of European psychologists, led by R. D. Laing and Frank Lake (both now deceased), contend that prenatal memories are the most influential because they are the first. This perspective is apparent in Laing's book The Facts of Life, where he srites, "The environment is registered from the very beginning of my life; by the first one (cell) of me. What happens to the first one or two of me may reverberate throughout all subsequent generations of our first cellular parents. That first one of us carries all my 'genetic' memories" (p. 30). He goes on to say, "It seems to me credible, at least, that all our experience in our life cycle, from cell one, is absorbed and stored from the beginning, perhaps especially in the beginning. How that may happen I do not know. How can one cell generate the billions of cells I now am? We are impossible, but for the fact that we are. When I look at the embryological stages in my life cycle, I experience what feel to me like sympathetic vibrations in me now...how I now feel I felt then" (p 36). Frank Lake mirrored Laing's perspectives. Lake contended that the most formative experiences were ones that occurred prenatally, especially during the first trimester. In the U.S., Lloyd deMause has also written about the social, cultural, and political influences of prenatal experiences, and reported on these findings during the 1995 APPPAH Congress.

Prenates Incorporate Parental Experiences and Feelings

From his regressions with adult patients, Lake also found that the most influential events were maternal experiences that passed biochemically through the umbilical cord by means of a group of chemicals called catecholamines, but it is also true that prenates incorporate psychic prenatal feelings and experiences, especially those of their mothers. Maternal emotions (and paternal emotions through the mother's emotional response to them) infiltrate the fetus. Research shows that what mothers experience, babies also experience. A good example is the following case. A woman's father died just prior to the conception of her child. She spent the whole nine months feeling depressed and grieving the loss of her father. If it is true that babies experience and remember what their mothers experience, then her baby should also have experienced loss and depression, and these feelings would be expected to resurface during childhood and/or adulthood. This appeared to be the case.

As a child, her baby was periodically depressed, and medical personnel could find no physiological or psychological basis for the depression (They were not cognizant of the child's prenatal experiences). When the child was depressed, he would draw pictures of old and dying men in caves (in pre- and perinatal psychology, caves are symbolic of wombs, the place where he experienced the loss of his grandfather). After drawing, he would feel better for a while, but the depression would slowly return. He was not conscious of any connection between his drawings and his grandfather's death. The depression became chronic when his parents were experiencing tension (his mother and father were living separately but raising him together). The tension symbolized the loss of his father and grandfather. His drawings sometimes depicted a little girl frantically searching for dying men. The little girl probably represented his own feminine, the mother's inner child, and/or a female twin's experience of the grandfather's loss. It is unlikely that grief would have resurfaced as chronic depression without the reinforcing conditions of father loss and parental discord.

It is important to realize that although prenates do take on the prenatal experiences of their parents, they also have their own unique experiences during the prenatal period, independent of their parents. The mechanisms of how this works are not clear, but numerous anecdotal reports and clinical cases show that prenates have their own experiences. For example, I recall the reports of a regressed child, a twin, who was repeatedly subjected to verbal and physical fights between his mother and her boyfriend during the prenatal period. He reported that his mother and her boyfriend were constantly fighting, but he and his twin would respond to this by cuddling up and rocking while the fighting went on. During the fighting, they both felt quite clever (to have avoided the tension) and relaxed. Perhaps the presence of a comforting twin can make separation from parental experiences easier.

When Reinforced, Prenatal Experiences May Have Dramatic and Symptomatic Influences

In the case of the woman who lost her father just prior to pregnancy, the baby presumably experienced the same loss that his mother experienced. In addition, a very tangible and personal trauma happened shortly thereafter. Early in the pregnancy, when she was eight weeks pregnant, the mother's husband abruptly left her for another woman. She was shocked by the experience and felt deeply abandoned. Presumably her unborn child felt abandoned as well. Because the woman had little financial security and did not want to raise a child by herself, she decided to abort her child.

She attempted several abortions, most often by using the hooked or curved end of a coat hanger. As a child, her baby was periodically sadistic and self-destructive. The manifestations of his sadism bore a striking resemblance to his mother's abortion attempts, although he was consciously unaware of them. He burned himself with cigarettes and gouged private parts of his body with sharp metal objects. His favorite sadistic instrument was a fishing hook, but he complained he could never buy ones that were big enough. As a young adult he was arrested thirty times for assault, and his modus operandi was reminiscent of his mother's attempts to abort him. He usually assaulted his victims when they were sleeping, by using heavy braided wire with a wire hook welded on the end!

Aggression and Violence are Pathological Symptoms Resulting from Multiple, Reinforcing Traumas with Themes of Loss, Abandonment, and Aggression

In the case just described, the prenate experienced the intense loss and abandonment that his mother experienced. In addition, he also experienced the abandonment that comes with parental narcissism, (i.e., his mother was so absorbed in her abandonment and loss that she had little or no cognizance of him, nor did she have time or energy to celebrate his presence). On the contrary, he was perceived as a burden, and as something to get rid of Consequently, he also experienced the aggression of his mother's abortion attempts on his life.

Prenatal and Birth Traumas Are Mirror Images

Prenatal traumas have two distinct impacts on birth. First of all, birth is often perceived and experienced in terms of prenatal traumatization. For example, babies who experience abortion attempts are also likely to experience birth as annihilative. Babies who experience near-death during implantation in the womb are likely to experience birth as a near-death experience. Babies who experience aggression or violence while in the womb are likely to experience the interventions of birth as aggressive and violent, even though there may be no such intent on the part of medical personnel or parents.

Secondly, as Sheila Kitzinger has documented, whenever there is significant prenatal stress (trauma), there is an increasing statistical likelihood that birth complications will occur. The greater the degree of stress or trauma during the prenatal period, the greater the likelihood of birth complications and obstetrical interventions. This is exactly what occurred in case of the mother whose father died just before she became pregnant, and who attempted several abortions. The mother had a very difficult birth with long labor and many complications. Many interventions were used and repeated, among which were inductions, augmentations, sedations, analgesias, anesthesias, forceps, episiotomy, intensive care placement, and respiration.

It should be pointed out that the severity of symptoms in the present case is due to the additional and reinforcing traumas, all involving loss, abandonment, and aggression. When the baby was three months old, the mother took him shopping in a stroller, forgot that he was with her, left him in an aisle of the store, and only realized her error hours later. In addition to this, she had a boyfriend who was repeatedly and physically abusive with her son during his early childhood. These multiple and reinforcing traumas manifested in his childhood and adulthood as aggression and violence.

Prenatal and Birth Traumas Impair Bonding at Birth

In addition to posing a risk of birth traumatization, prenatal traumas have another and more insidious impact. When traumas occur prior to or during birth, the quantity and quality of bonding is radically reduced. This reduction occurs for two reasons. The first has to do with the defensive dulling of mind and body, a natural defense against (Bloch, 1985). This self-anesthetization occurs because of the hormonal changes that normally occur in the body during and after trauma and shock. When the body and mind are dulled, and when the body is exhausted from stress, the quantity and quality of bonding are lessened.

The second impact has to do with the failure of parents and others to acknowledge traumatization, which diminishes the bonding process even further. When traumas occur, there is a critical period of time afterward during which humans require understanding, acknowledgment, and compassion in order for shock to subside and healing to begin. However, it is rare for babies to receive understanding, acknowledgment, and compassion after their prenatal and birth traumas, simply because no one knows or believes that traumas have taken place. As has been verified in my own clinical research with babies, unacknowledged traumas create distrust in babies, and this significantly impedes the bonding process. In contrast, it is informative to witness the level and depth of bonding in babies who have not been traumatized, or whose traumatization is being seen and acknowledged. The bonding is noteworthy by its depth, intensity, and duration. One only has to witness such bonding to realize that bonding is significantly reduced and altered by the presence of unacknowledged and unresolved traumatization.

Lack of Bonding Predisposes the Individual to Aggression and Violence In my work with infants over the past 25 years, I have discovered some important interrelationships between prenatal trauma, birth trauma, bonding, and aggression. The first interrelationship is that birth actively impairs the bonding process because many aspects of the birthing process are psychologically and physically painful for babies. Medical exams and medical tests are often experienced by babies as unnecessary, invasive, and painful, and this is rarely acknowledged. Medical personnel routinely separate babies from parents after birth, and separation is often experienced as terrifying abandonment.

Placement in intensive care is frequently experienced as terrifying, lonely, overstimulating, and painful abandonment. Anesthetization is particularly impactful on bonding because residual amounts of anesthesia are common in babies, even hours and days after birth, and anesthesia makes babies (and mothers) numb and therefore less available to the bonding process. Epidurals were thought to be superior to other anesthetics because they would not inhibit the bonding process as much, but research shows that mothers who receive epidurals show less attachment to their babies than mothers who do not. These are some examples of the effects of birth trauma on bonding. In all cases bonding is affected because it is difficult for babies to trust their parents when their parents do not accurately perceive or acknowledge their prenatal and birth traumas. In general, the greater the number and severity of unacknowledged prenatal and birth traumas, the greater the impact on bonding.

Secondly, when traumas are largely untreated, the influence on bonding is exacerbated because the traumatized infant remains in a defensive stance with respect to the world, and does not "let the world touch him." Many parents report to me that their babies are very independent, but this is often a cover for defensiveness. Such babies act as if they are OK and do not need comforting or support. They do not easily let themselves be comforted and held, either pushing their parents away and/or ignoring their attempts to comfort and console them. Many times they will only let their parents comfort them after considerable resistance.

Third, it is important to realize that a lack of bonding may be sufficient, in and of itself, to create aggression and violence. This surprising fact has been brought to light by various researchers. For example, Magid and McKelvey (1988) reported that children with severe bonding difficulties do not develop a conscience, and perform asocial or antisocial acts without remorse. Felicity De Zulueta (1993) summarized research in the field of bonding and attachment, and concluded that violent aggression is the result of damaged bonding. She writes, "One of the most important outcomes of...studies on attachment behavior is the emerging link between psychological trauma, such as loss (of a bond)...and destructive or violent behavior." She concludes that the more damage that is done to bonding, the greater the likelihood of aggression and violence during childhood and adulthood. Fourth, it is clear from the observations of clinical researchers that the probability of societal aggression and violence are increased greatly by the presence of aggression or violence during the pre- and perinatal periods of development. Prenates pick up on aggressive and violent energies, and are likely to repeat what they experience in their prenatal life space.

What Kinds of Pre- and Perinatal Experiences Underline Aggression and Violence?

As a way of determining the prenatal, etiological bases for violence and aggression, I posed a basic question to a number of experts in the field, among whom were R. D. Laing, Frank Lake, Barbara Valassis, Barbara Findelsen, Stan Grof, Michael Irving, and others. I asked them to report on the kinds of regressive experiences that their aggressive and violent patients had uncovered and/or reported, and that were central in the success of treatment. Among their varied responses were common threads of consensus, among which were: (1) pre- and perinatal experiences were paramount in aggression and violence; (2) childhood experiences seemed to reflect and reinforce prenatal traumatization; (3) aggression and violence were related to the severest levels of pre- and perinatal trauma; (4) consistently related to aggression and violence were themes of loss, abandonment, rejection, and aggression; and (5) certain pre- and perinatal traumas were consistently related to aggression and violence. These experiences are described below.

In reading through these experiences, it is important to remember several basic principles, references above. First of all, multiple prenatal traumas are more likely to result in violence and aggression than single traumas. Secondly, bonding deficiencies are directly related to aggression and violence. The greater the degree of bonding deficits, the greater the likelihood of violence and aggression. Third, prenatal traumas that involve loss, abandonment, or rejection are more likely to impact bonding than other traumatic themes, and are also more likely to result in the complete absence of bonding than traumas involving other themes. Finally, the direct exposure to aggression and violence during the prenatal period is highly predictive of violence and aggression during adulthood. The old adage, "Children learn what they live," is relevant here. Like children, prenates "learn what they live," and prenates subjected to aggression -and violence are likely to manifest the same in their adult lives.

Conception

When clients who have problems with aggression and violence are regressed, they frequently encounter the experience of conception. They report that they are conscious of traumatic issues outside of themselves, in their family or immediate surroundings. The most frequently mentioned traumas involved forced sex, manipulated sex, date rape, rape, substance abuse, physical abuse, dismal familial, social, or cultural conditions, and personal or cultural shame, such as when children are conceived out of wedlock. They often experience biological encounters as sperm and/or eggs which involve intense aggression, annihilation, death, power, and/or rejection. To cite an example of traumatic conception, one child was conceived out of wedlock in a small religious community where such things were disdained. Her mother experienced shame, guilt, and public ridicule before deciding to "keep her," and the child experienced the same guilt, shame, and ridicule that her mother did. The public ridicule was experienced as particularly annihilating and hostile. This led to character patterns of self-righteousness, self-ridicule, masochism, and hostility.

Implantation

Implantation is the biological process whereby the conceptus attaches itself to the uterine wall, and is a vital and precarious stage of embryological development. Prior to and during implantation, regressed patients report that they experienced the terror of beomg near death. They report feeling unwanted and that they have no place to go, no place to belong, and 'decide' that the world is a hostile and unsafe place. They often collapse in hopelessness, retaliate in rage, fluctuate between these two extremes, and/or manifest intense rescue complexes (the need to rescue others and/or be rescued). Christ's life was, in many ways, a metaphor of implantation. There was "no room in the Inn," and He had no place that He belonged. And as the Bible declares, His life was manifested in order for Him to save and rescue mankind.

Many individuals with problems of aggression report the loss of a twin. Their problems with aggression typically have to do with masochism and/or neurotic self criticism. Embryological research indicates that loss of a twin may be much more likely than previously thought. Embryologists estimate that between 30% to 80% of conceptions are actually multiple (i.e. twins) rather than single. Since the rate of birthed twins is far less than 30% to 80% percent, embryologists conclude that many conceptions involved the death of one or more twins. This can be prior to or during implantation, although some happen after implantation.

People who experience the loss of a twin manifest several common dynamics. First of all, there is an ineffable but profound sense of loss, despair, and rage. These feelings are usually held in, but are sometimes acted out against others. Secondly, there is a chronic but unarticulated fear that loss will happen again, and pervasive insecurity. The threat of loss is defended against by distancing from others, or by engaging in codependent relationships. Third, the ability to bond with others is deficient or neurotic because there is a lack of trust in relationships, or disbelief that relationships will last. Fourth, there is often an over compliance in life, based on the unconscious feeling that "if I don't do what is expected or wanted, I will die." Over compliance feeds hostility and aggression toward others, since one cannot take care of oneself when constantly complying with others. Finally, prenatal experiences of near death and/or loss are sometimes turned against oneself or others, resulting in sadistic and masochistic behaviors, criminal violence, or sadomasochistic thinking and behavior.

Discovery of Unwanted Pregnancy

When aggressive clients regress to the prenatal period, they frequently and spontaneously regress to the time the pregnancy was discovered, and many of them are surprised to find that they were unwanted. The discovery of being unwanted typically leads to the realization that lifelong episodes of depression, self-destructiveness, or aggression are a direct expression of prenatal rejection. They typically report that they can trust only themselves, and that their whole lives have been geared toward denying or finding the acceptance and love that they did not receive as prenates. The percentage of aggressive clients who were unwanted at the time of discovery is quite high, and has important implications for bonding disorders. Typical responses to being unwanted are to collapse into helplessness and hopelessness, to rage at others and the world's injustice, and/or refuse to engage in life.

Prenatal Aggression

The majority of adults with problems in aggression learn that they were unwanted at the time of discovery, but many of them also learn that they were exposed to other forms of aggression during the pre- and perinatal period. Some common forms of aggression are warfare, gang fights, domestic violence, conception through rape, physical or sexual abuse of parents or siblings, annihilative energies, intrauterine toxicities, and/or abortion attempts. Prenates who experience one or more of these aggressive conditions are at risk for manifesting aggression and violence, and the greater the number of conditions, the greater the likelihood of aggression and violence.

Adoption

Adoption trauma refers to a broad range of painful experiences that are common to adoption. When children are adopted, they are more likely to have experienced some level of abortion trauma--there may have been direct attempts on life, abortion plans with no attempts, or abortion ideations but no plans. All of these are traumatizing to varying degrees. In addition they are likely to have experienced discovery trauma (child unwanted at the time of discovery), conception trauma (child unwanted at time of conception), or psychological toxicity (child exposed to mother's annihilative or ambivalent feelings, or to socio-cultural shame).

Adoption trauma has many different levels. The lowest level occurs when parents want their children but reluctantly give them up for adoption because external circumstances dictate. A higher level occurs when parents do not want their children and seriously consider abortion. The highest level occurs when parents are unequivocally opposed to having children, when pregnancies are resented, when abortions, are attempted, when children are put up for adoption, and when children are fostered a number of times. At high risk for aggression are children who experience the severest levels of adoption trauma.

Pre- and Perinatal Medical Procedures

When prenates experience severe forms of traumatization, as described above, they are also likely to perceive subsequent events in similar contexts. This is especially true when subsequent events are stressful life transitions (such as birth, adolescence, first jobs, new relationships, etc.), and/or when subsequent events are symbolically similar to traumatizing events. For example, if prenates experience prenatal violence, then they are likely to experience life transitions (such as birth) in violent ways. Freud called this process recapitulation. Among other definitions, recapitulation means that prenatal experiences shape how subsequent life experiences are perceived.

The following case is an example of a mother who had only limited prenatal traumas, but which nevertheless influenced her baby's perceptions and experiences of the birthing process. The mother was 28 years old, and had never attempted to conceive a child. Her own mother had had difficulty conceiving children, so she was anxious about her ability to conceive. She wanted to have a child, and in spite of being unmarried, conceived a child with her boyfriend, who was also ambivalent. They conceived after much effort, whereupon the boyfriend turned brutal and violent against the mother and her baby (it was later discovered that the boyfiiend's father had been abusive to him during the prenatal period). A series of beatings occurred, after which the mother fled. She spent the remainder of her pregnancy in a distant and safe place, under conditions that were close to "ideal." She was attentive to herself, her body, and to her baby. She meditated daily and earned income from work she did at home. She had an extensive and supportive family system as well as friends, and the remainder of the pregnancy was uneventful in terms of other stresses and traumas.

She devoted time to her unborn baby every day, talking and singing to him, and doing bonding exercises. She gave birth at home, and described the birth as short and simple, with no complications. In spite of having a largely positive pregnancy and an easy birth, the early abusive experiences haunted her and her baby. In particular, her baby experienced the birth as very traumatic. (This is not an unusual event, even when mothers describe births as simple and uneventful). This was evident in childhood memories of his third trimester and birth. He experienced his mother's jogging during the third trimester as abusive, saying that his head bounced painfully on his mother's pelvic bones. He experienced the perineal massages (given repeatedly during birth) as intrusive, and the contractions as abusive and violent. He was aware of his mother's physical pain, felt the birth was hurting her, and felt guilty that he could not protect her. In short, all of his birth feelings appeared to be overlays and manifestations of his unresolved abuse traumas from the first trimester. It is important to realize that, even more so than children or adults, prenates perceive and interpret life experiences in terms of past experiences. This is so because prenates do not have sufficient neurological integrity or adequate life experiences to assist in discriminating between current and historical realities.

When prenates experience abandonment, rejection, violence, or abuse, as has been described in this paper, they routinely bring these experiences to bear during the birthing process. Amniocentesis needles and chorionic villae catheters are commonly perceived as aggressive, annihilating, and/or rejecting instruments. Anesthetic procedures are often perceived as attempts to disempower or to poison (a reflection of abortion trauma). Augmentations (inductions and "breaking waters") are usually experienced as boundary violations. Forceps and vacuum extractions are often perceived as attempts to control or annihilate. Contractions are often perceived as attempts to annihilate, destroy, or impede. For example, one adult who had been exposed to chemical and mechanical abortion attempts (his mother had taken low-dose cyanide pills and repeatedly pummeled her abdomen and uterus) experienced contractions as attempts to beat him to death, and experienced anesthesia administrations as attempts to poison him.

It is vital that medical and obstetrical personnel understand the importance and relevance of pre- and perinatal traumas, and understand that babies are likely to experience the birthing process in terms of prior traumatizations. This means that birth can be very traumatic, simply on the basis of personal history. If this fact were known, then medical interventions could be limited to situations where they were absolutely necessary, or medical interventions could be humanized in a variety of ways. Some useful procedures might be asking the permission of babies to implement procedures and getting responses through the mother's intuition, letting babies know that they might experience pains and discomforts, and empathizing in terms of prior traumas, letting babies know that birth is a difficult transition with the potential for negative and overwhelming feelings and acknowledging babies post-birth emotions as legitimate expressions of a difficult birthing process"all this could help to minimize potential trauma. It is also important to acknowledge the positive aspects of birthing, the wonder and joy that belongs to the birthing process. Few births are entirely difficult, and few are completely free from trauma or pain. We need to acknowledge the whole gamut of human experiences as they unfold during the birthing process.

Treatment

It is important that pre- and perinatal traumas be treated as early as possible. This is so because, as previously discussed, early traumas shape how subsequent events will be perceived and experienced. If treatment occurs early on, during gestation or the first year, then childhood experiences can be freed from prenatal influences, and children can live their lives unencumbered by the bonds of trauma. The effects of trauma have been described elsewhere (Emerson, 1992, 1994). Unresolved traumas affect the spiritual and psychological development of children. In contrast, children who had no trauma, or whose traumas have been resolved, are clearly unique in the following ways. They are more spiritually evolved, manifest higher levels of human potential, and are developmentally precocious. They exhibit higher self-esteem and intelligence test scores, and they are more empathic, emotionally mature, cooperative, creative, affectionate, loving, focused, and self-aware than untreated and traumatized children (Emerson, 1993).

The fact that pre- and perinatal traumas shape how subsequent life events are experienced does not mean that childhood experiences, in and of themselves, are unimportant in terms of human development. On the contrary, childhood experiences are very important in determining and shaping who children will become. It is precisely because childhood experiences are so important that it is vital to free childhood from the bonds of pre- and perinatal trauma. If these traumas can be resolved before childhood, then childhood has the opportunity to be experienced on its own, without traumatic influence from the prenatal period, and without the defensive forces that inhibit feelings of safety, security, and growth. Furthermore, children can be freed to exhibit and manifest their own unique human potential, to utilize their own inherent levels of intelligence, and to, become themselves, unencumbered by prior traumas.

In addition to these benefits, society can be freed from the increasing burden of aggression and violence. According to statistics reported at the 1995 APPPAH Congress, violence and aggression are on the rise, and are reaching epidemic proportions. Therapists who specialize in anger resolution report that about one client in five carries a significant degree of anger and rage. Aggression and violence are on the rise, and are extremely costly in terms of human lives, in terms of financial and budgetary considerations (prisons, jails, and law enforcement are very costly, and deprive our school systems of needed finances), and in terms of the safe and efficient functioning of our institutions. These violent feelings are directed toward self and others, and are very difficult to resolve for the following reasons. First of all, most therapists do not realize that anger and rage, at their deepest levels, are caused by pre- and perinatal traumas, and are related to perinatal bonding deficits.

Secondly, most clinicians fail to realize that anger and rage cannot be resolved solely by talking therapies. Instead, anger and rage require physical and emotional release. Third, anger and rage are inextricably intertwined with low self-esteem, shame, guilt, disempowerment, and forgiveness. These concepts need to be understood and recognized in the treatment of aggressive disorders. Finally, the ultimate resolution of rage and anger requires that relevant pre- and perinatal traumas be uncovered, encountered, catharted, repatterned, and integrated into consciousness. Additional aspects of treatment should include opportunities for re-bonding, i.e., for bonding in ways that were impossible at the time of traumatization, or bonding in ways that were inhibited by unresolved traumas. The Association for Pre- and Perinatal Psychology and Health, the International Primal Association, The Star Foundation, and Emerson Training Seminars have personnel and lists of professionals who do such work.


References

Bloch, G. (1985). Body & Self. Elements of Human Biology, Behavior, and Health. Los Altos, CA: William Kaufmann, Inc.
De Zulueta, F. (1993). From Pain to Violence. London: Whurr Publishers.
Emerson, W. (1994). Trauma Impacts: Audio taped presentations. Seattle 1992, Petaluma 1992, and March 1993. Emerson Training Seminars.
Emerson, W. (1995a). "The Vulnerable Prenate." Paper presented to the APPPAH Congress, San Francisco. Available on audio tape from Sounds True (303) 449-6229.
Emerson, W. (1993). "Treatment Outcomes," Petaluma, CA: Emerson Training Seminars.
Emerson, W. (1995/1996). Treating Birth Trauma During Infancy. A series of five videos. Available from Emerson Training Seminars, Petaluma, CA: (707) 763-7024.
Laing, R. D. (1976). The Facts of Life. New York: Pantheon Books.
Magid, K., and McKelvey, C. (1988). High Risk: Children Without a Conscience. New York: Bantam Books.