1. Selalu bahagia
Bahagia disini dalam pengertian tidak membandingkan dirinya dengan orang lain. Para ahli mengatakan, dengan membandingkan diri berarti matinya rasa kepuasan diri yang sejati.
Pada orang yang menerima diri apa adanya, tidak banyak hal yang membuatnya tidak bahagia. Jika ada orang yang mengkritik, orang yang menerima diri akan menganggap, bahwa itu adalah masukan yang berguna bagi pertumbuhan pribadinya. Dia akan berpandangan bahwa kritik yang sehat adalah sarana untuk memajukan diri sendiri menjadi pribadi yang lebih bijak dan berwawasan
2. Mudah bergaul dengan orang lain
Semakin besar rasa menerima diri sendiri, semakin senang kita berada di tengah orang lain karena kita merasa orang-orang itu juga menerima kita, dan senang bersama kita. Perasaan ini mambuat kita masuk ke ruang yang penuh orang dengan rasa percaya diri. Kita menganggap diri kita sebagai pemberian untuk diterima orang lain dan orang lain sebagai pemberian untuk kita terima dengan lemah lembut.
Tapi, disaat sendiri, orang yang menerima diri apa adanya juga tetap gembira. Keadaan yang tidak ada orang lain itu terasa damai dan tenteram baginya. Sebaliknya, bagi yang tidak menerima diri sendiri, keadaan sendiri itu berarti sepi dan menyedihkan. Orang yang sendiri, kesepian, kosong, akan mencari penangkal-penangkal kesepian.
3. Terbuka untuk dicintai dan dipuji
Kalau kita menerima eksistensi kita sendiri sebagai pribadi, maka kita seyogyanya juga berpikiran terbuka, tidak merasa curiga kalau seseorang dengan tulus memuji kita. Karena dalam hidup ini, kita semua belajar untuk mengatasi kelemahan2 diri sendiri, tapi sebaliknya juga terbuka untuk pujian atas kelebihan2 kita.
4. Mampu menjadi diri sendiri yang sejati
Jika kita benar-benar menerima diri sendiri apa adanya, kita akan memancarkan keunikan yang hanya dapat memancar dari penerimaan diri sejati. Dengan kata lain, sebelum mampu menjadi diri sendiri, kita harus bisa menerima diri sendiri dulu. Contohnya, jika kita mencintai atau mengagumi orang lain, maka kita akan bersikap tulus, menyampaikan kesukaan dan kekaguman secara wajar padanya. Kita tidak usah takut salah paham atau salah tafsir dengan ke-terus terangan kita
5. Mampu menerima saya yang saat ini, hari ini
Saya yang kemarin adalah sejarah. Saya yang hari esok belum diketahui. Saya terlepas dari masa lalu. Saya adalah siapa saya hari ini. Sekarang ini. Siapa saya dimasa lalu, termasuk semua kesalahan saya, sudah tidak penting.
Mengingat secara terus menerus kesalahan yang kita buat dimasa lampau hanya akan membuat kita menghakimi diri sendiri dengan keras.
6. Dapat menertawai diri sendiri dengan mudah
Terlalu serius dengan diri sendiri merupakan pertanda kita merasa tidak aman. Ada pepatah Cina kuno yang mengatakan, "Berbahagialah mereka yang dapat tertawa kepada diri mereka sendiri. Mereka tidak akan pernah berhenti dihibur." Orang yang mampu menertawai diri sendiri akan bisa menerima dan mengakui kelemahan dan kebodohanya.
7. Mampu mengenali dan mengurusi kebutuhan-kebutuhannya sendiri
Orang yang menerima dirinya sendiri mengenal kebutuhan-kebutuhannya, baik kebutuhan fisik, emosional, intelektual, sosial, dan spiritual. Mengabaikan kebutuhan diri sendiri adalah langkah bunuh diri. Kita bisa mengenali kebutuhan diri sendiri kalau kita mencintai dan sayang pada diri sendiri. Rasa sayang ini akan membuat kita juga mampu menyayangi dan menghormati orang lain secara wajar.
8. Mampu menentukan nasib sendiri
Orang yang menerima diri sendiri mengambil petunjuk dari dalam dirinya sendiri. Bukan dari orang lain. Jika kita benar-benar bergembira dengan diri sendiri, kita akan melakukan apa saja yang kita pikir baik dan selaras. Bukan menurut apa yang dikatakan atau dipikirkan orang lain.
9. Bisa berhubungan dengan kenyataan
Sikap menerima diri sendiri membuat kita tidak suka melamun atau mengkhayalkan seandainya hidup kita seperti orang lain. Kita menerima dengan tabah kenyataan2 dalam hidup ini dengan tetap berpegang pada logika kita
10. Bersikap tegas
Orang yang menerima dirinya sendiri tegas dalam menyatakan sesuatu. Kita dengan tegas menyatakan hak2 kita untuk dipandang secara serius. Hak untuk berpikir dan memilih. Kita juga tidak merasa terpaksa mengalah atau terpaksa menjadi penolong orang yang tidak berdaya. Banyak orang enggan bersikap tegas karena takut keliru. Kita pendam semua pendapat dan keinginan kita. Menerima diri dengan gembira menantang kita bersikap tegas dalam menyatakan sesuatu. Menghormati diri sendiri. Menyatakan diri secara tulus dan berani bersikap terbuka.
Kamis, 27 November 2008
Kamis, 20 November 2008
RESEP KUE PERKAWINAN
Bahan:
- 1 pria sehat
- 1 wanita sehat
- 100% komitmen
- 2 pasang restu orang tua
- 1 botol kasih sayang murni
Bumbu:
- 1 balok besar humor
- 25 grm rekreasi
- 1 bungkus doa
- 2 sendok teh telpon-telponan
- Semuanya diaduk hingga merata dan mengembang
Cara memasak:
- Pria dan wanita dicuci bersih, buang semua masa lalunya sehingga tersisa niat yang murni.
- Siapkan loyang yang telah diolesi dengan komitmen dan restu orang tua secara merata.
- Masukkan niat yang murni ke dalam loyang dan panggang dengan api merata sekitar 30 menit di depan penghulu.
- Biarkan di dalam loyang tadi dan sirami dengan bumbunya.
- Kue siap dinikmati.
Catatan:
Kue ini dapat dinikmati oleh pembuatnya seumur hidup dan paling enak dinikmati dalam keadaan hangat. Tapi kalau sudah agak dingin, tambahkan lagi humor segar secukupnya, rekreasi sesuai selera, serta beberapa potong doa kemudian dihangatkan lagi di oven bermerek "Tempat Ibadah". Setelah mulai hangat, jangan lupa telpon-telponan bila berjauhan. Selamat mencoba, dijamin semuanya halal kok!
Kue ini dapat dinikmati oleh pembuatnya seumur hidup dan paling enak dinikmati dalam keadaan hangat. Tapi kalau sudah agak dingin, tambahkan lagi humor segar secukupnya, rekreasi sesuai selera, serta beberapa potong doa kemudian dihangatkan lagi di oven bermerek "Tempat Ibadah". Setelah mulai hangat, jangan lupa telpon-telponan bila berjauhan. Selamat mencoba, dijamin semuanya halal kok!
Jumat, 14 November 2008
MENGAJARI DENGAN TELADAN
Ajari aku untuk mencintai dan menyayangi diri sendiri
lewat keteladananmu yang positif.
Aku akan belajar dari semua tindakanmu
dan tumbuh dengan memiliki perhatian diri yang baik.
lewat keteladananmu yang positif.
Aku akan belajar dari semua tindakanmu
dan tumbuh dengan memiliki perhatian diri yang baik.
Ralph Waldo Emerson pernah mengatakan, "Kamu berteriak terlalu keras di telingaku, aku tidak bisa mendengar apa yang kamu katakan." Kata-kata tanpa tindakan hanya sedikit berpengaruh atau sama sekali tidak berpengaruh. Namun, ketika kata-kata didukung oleh teladan nyata, mereka punya kekuatan untuk membentuk keyakinan dan kebiasaan yang berumur panjang.
Mengucapkan, "Lakukan yang saya katakan, bukan yang saya lakukan" jarang memberi dampak. Seorang anak hampir selalu bertindak berdasarkan apa yang terlihat olehnya. Saya teringat ketika saya meminta putra saya untuk menonton televisi dalam jarak yang cukup. Tiap kali dia menonton televisi, apalagi dengan menatapkan wajahnya persis di depan layar kaca, maka saya selalu mengingatkan dan kadangkala mendisiplinnya. Suatu ketika saya menerima telepon yang letaknya di sebelah televisi yang sedang menayangkan sebuah film. Seusai menerima telepon, tak terasa saya menonton televisi terlalu dekat. Putra saya langsung berkata, "Papa dekat-dekat televisi." Spontan saja saya malu. Saya terkejut dan berkata, "Oh iya, Papa salah ya. Terima kasih ya sinyo (panggilan akrabnya)." Memang benar bahwa anak belajar banyak dari teladan, ketimbang perkataan orangtuanya. Ada satu fakta yang dicatat oleh kedua psikolog, Diana Loomans dan Julia Godoy, bahwa lebih dari 75% narapidana puya satu atau lebih anggota keluarga yang dipenjara. Saya tidak tahu survei tersebut diambil dari konteks mana, tapi fakta ini tentu memberikan indikasi tentang peran sebuah keteladanan.
Lantas, bagaimana caranya agar kita sebagai orangtua merasa lebih mudah untuk senantiasa memberikan teladan bagi anak-anak? Dengan baik Loomans dan Godoy menjelaskan bahwa cara pertama dan terpenting menjadi teladan bagi anak-anak terletak pada kasih sayang yang sehat dan konsisten dari kita sendiri. Maksudnya, kita perlu memerhatikan kondisi diri sendiri dahulu. Gambaran tentang mengenakan masker oksigen di pesawat sangat sesuai--hanya orang dewasa yang menghirup cukup oksigen terlebih dahululah yang dapat menolong anak kecil yang bergantung padanya agar bisa tetap hidup.
Orangtua kadang terperangkap dalam kebiasaan memenuhi semua kebutuhan anak sebelum memenuhi kebutuhannya sendiri, dengan keyakinan bahwa anak harus selalu didahulukan. Dalam lingkungan yang normal, sangatlah bermanfaat bagi orangtua untuk memberi perhatian yang berkualitas pada kehidupan mereka sendiri terlebih dahulu. Perhatian diri sehari-hari merupakan oksigen untuk jiwa. Atau dengan kata lain, sejumlah perhatian diri dapat membawa keseimbangan dan ketenangan yang luar biasa bagi orangtuanya.
Ada seabrek cara untuk memerhatikan diri sendiri. Ada yang melakukan meditasi pribadi. Ada yang memanjakan diri dengan pijatan. Ada yang melakukan hobi tertentu. Inilah yang salah satu saya lakukan. Hobi saya adalah bermain bulutangkis. Saya selalu meluangkan waktu untuk bermain bulutangkis setiap hari Senin. Dalam waktu itulah saya bisa melepaskan banyak ketegangan batin/stress. Setelah pulang, saya tidak langsung menyambut keluarga dengan hangat. Saya masih perlu menenangkan diri alias reorientasi, dari suasana lapangan masuk ke suasana rumah. Biasanya, untuk beberapa waktu saya menonton televisi, dan terkadang sambil menikmati french fries buatan istri. Setelah cooling down selesai, maka saya bergegas mandi dengan air hangat. Nah baru setelah itu, saya bermain bersama istri dan anak dengan perasaan yang lebih siap. Dari pengalaman ini, saya kira memang benar bahwa kita perlu memerhatikan diri dalam jumlah tertentu untuk menyehatkan suasana pikiran dan emosi. Bila suasana pikiran dan emosi telah sehat, maka tentunya kita sebagai orangtua lebih mudah memberikan keteladanan bagi anak-anak tercinta kita.
Selamat mencoba!
(Disarikan dari Loomans & Godoy, Positive Parenting, 1-13)
Mengucapkan, "Lakukan yang saya katakan, bukan yang saya lakukan" jarang memberi dampak. Seorang anak hampir selalu bertindak berdasarkan apa yang terlihat olehnya. Saya teringat ketika saya meminta putra saya untuk menonton televisi dalam jarak yang cukup. Tiap kali dia menonton televisi, apalagi dengan menatapkan wajahnya persis di depan layar kaca, maka saya selalu mengingatkan dan kadangkala mendisiplinnya. Suatu ketika saya menerima telepon yang letaknya di sebelah televisi yang sedang menayangkan sebuah film. Seusai menerima telepon, tak terasa saya menonton televisi terlalu dekat. Putra saya langsung berkata, "Papa dekat-dekat televisi." Spontan saja saya malu. Saya terkejut dan berkata, "Oh iya, Papa salah ya. Terima kasih ya sinyo (panggilan akrabnya)." Memang benar bahwa anak belajar banyak dari teladan, ketimbang perkataan orangtuanya. Ada satu fakta yang dicatat oleh kedua psikolog, Diana Loomans dan Julia Godoy, bahwa lebih dari 75% narapidana puya satu atau lebih anggota keluarga yang dipenjara. Saya tidak tahu survei tersebut diambil dari konteks mana, tapi fakta ini tentu memberikan indikasi tentang peran sebuah keteladanan.
Lantas, bagaimana caranya agar kita sebagai orangtua merasa lebih mudah untuk senantiasa memberikan teladan bagi anak-anak? Dengan baik Loomans dan Godoy menjelaskan bahwa cara pertama dan terpenting menjadi teladan bagi anak-anak terletak pada kasih sayang yang sehat dan konsisten dari kita sendiri. Maksudnya, kita perlu memerhatikan kondisi diri sendiri dahulu. Gambaran tentang mengenakan masker oksigen di pesawat sangat sesuai--hanya orang dewasa yang menghirup cukup oksigen terlebih dahululah yang dapat menolong anak kecil yang bergantung padanya agar bisa tetap hidup.
Orangtua kadang terperangkap dalam kebiasaan memenuhi semua kebutuhan anak sebelum memenuhi kebutuhannya sendiri, dengan keyakinan bahwa anak harus selalu didahulukan. Dalam lingkungan yang normal, sangatlah bermanfaat bagi orangtua untuk memberi perhatian yang berkualitas pada kehidupan mereka sendiri terlebih dahulu. Perhatian diri sehari-hari merupakan oksigen untuk jiwa. Atau dengan kata lain, sejumlah perhatian diri dapat membawa keseimbangan dan ketenangan yang luar biasa bagi orangtuanya.
Ada seabrek cara untuk memerhatikan diri sendiri. Ada yang melakukan meditasi pribadi. Ada yang memanjakan diri dengan pijatan. Ada yang melakukan hobi tertentu. Inilah yang salah satu saya lakukan. Hobi saya adalah bermain bulutangkis. Saya selalu meluangkan waktu untuk bermain bulutangkis setiap hari Senin. Dalam waktu itulah saya bisa melepaskan banyak ketegangan batin/stress. Setelah pulang, saya tidak langsung menyambut keluarga dengan hangat. Saya masih perlu menenangkan diri alias reorientasi, dari suasana lapangan masuk ke suasana rumah. Biasanya, untuk beberapa waktu saya menonton televisi, dan terkadang sambil menikmati french fries buatan istri. Setelah cooling down selesai, maka saya bergegas mandi dengan air hangat. Nah baru setelah itu, saya bermain bersama istri dan anak dengan perasaan yang lebih siap. Dari pengalaman ini, saya kira memang benar bahwa kita perlu memerhatikan diri dalam jumlah tertentu untuk menyehatkan suasana pikiran dan emosi. Bila suasana pikiran dan emosi telah sehat, maka tentunya kita sebagai orangtua lebih mudah memberikan keteladanan bagi anak-anak tercinta kita.
Selamat mencoba!
(Disarikan dari Loomans & Godoy, Positive Parenting, 1-13)
Senin, 27 Oktober 2008
BAD MEN YOU SHOULD AVOID WHEN DATING
by: Nicholl McGuire
http://www.articlecity.com/articles/relationships/article_1653.shtml
Women always say, “I didn’t know he was like that” when their boyfriends perform acts that cause everyone around them shame. In some cases they really weren’t aware of the boyfriend’s mischievous deeds, but in other cases women knew well in advance they just hoped he would stop.
Most women are not stupid, gullible, dumb, or any other name critics choose to call them for the selections in men they make. For some, they truly had no idea their boyfriend meant bad news for them. The ever-popular question of, “Why did she get herself involved with him anyway?” continues to loom over their heads and the reasons vary depending on whom you ask. Some women may have found out about their problem boyfriend and stayed because of love, status, money and/or power. Others may have stayed because they didn’t want to carry the guilt of leaving their children’s father over issues they feel could be resolved. Still many women feel they can change him. As long as women continue to believe that the power of sex, money, counseling, personal sacrifice or a host of other strategies to change a bad man will work, they will continue to subject themselves to mental and physical abuse. These strategies simply will never work for some men. There comes a time when women will have to get off their knees whether she is praying to God or pleading to her mate to change. She will have to stand up carrying her self-respect in hand and walk right through the door of “end the relationship now.”
The following advice is written for women who haven’t yet made a commitment or a baby with a “bad boy.” She may be struggling with whether she is ready to settle down with him, distance herself from him or keep him as a friend. Although the best advice is not to offer to carry him or his burdens and just leave him alone, there will be those women who will still stay. If those women choose to stay, they have committed themselves to a hard life of many restless nights, aches and pains at times mentally and/or physically and they most likely will past negative behaviors to their future children and their children.
The Liar – In the beginning of the relationship, you caught him in a few white lies. He had what seemed like convincing excuses; therefore you let him get away with them. Now the lying has increased and the excuses have become minimal if not at all. Actions you may want to consider are the following: Approach him not only with what you think, but what you know; in other words have proof. Stop taking his lying lightly. Let him know that this behavior you will not accept any longer. If he chooses to continue lying, then tell him you will have to end the relationship for good. Once you have made a decision that you are leaving, begin to make efforts to not be contacted by him (change your cell phone number, block his email address, put places you hang out frequently on hold, and avoid telling mutual friends about your personal whereabouts, thoughts and feelings. You must not leave and then go back to him, he will only get better about lying to you over time.
The Player also known as The Pimp – This man is obsessed with being contacted or making contact with the opposite sex. He will use cell phone, email, your house phone or friends to make contact with whomever he meets. He will leave a trail of evidence whether it is the popular piece of paper that slips out of his pocket with a phone number without a name, restaurant receipts, hotel charges, cologne or jewelry gifts, read and sent email that sits in his account that he forgot to delete. He begins to create a pattern in his actions when you have become old and someone else becomes new. Look out for this repetitious pattern. He may develop his pattern after work on a daily basis working later and later nights at the office then when he comes home he is providing almost too much detail about what happened at work or not at all. Another pattern he may create may be choosing a hobby or interest that is very unusual to his personality and attending this faithfully, what you can do to find out if he is sincere is offer to pick him up from the pottery class on some nights. Watch his reaction. There may also be the weekend pattern of always “needing to get away, have some time to myself, or I’m so busy with errands.” All the while making little or no time for the two of you to go out and be seen together. When you suggest new places to visit, he finds an excuse to take you to the same area you both are familiar to keep from running into the other woman or women. He finds a way, anyway, to travel to places without you regularly using an excuse such as “I’m going to my mother’s house or hanging out with Rick, Joe or someone you never heard of Frank.” Be careful family and friends will cover for him. He will call you, at times when he knows you are out and about to see if you will be in the proximity where he will be entertaining the other woman or women. He is protective of his cell phone and his computer; if you tried to check either it maybe password protected. You may want to consider whether having to worry over your man’s whereabouts is worth all of this aggravation. In time, you will become insecure, angry for no apparent reason, and develop a since of distrust toward everyone you meet. This is baggage you don’t need.
The Thief – He has been around when things go missing. At first you didn’t suspect him and thought items had just been misplaced or he blamed someone else for taking them. Yet, you have always had a funny feeling in your gut that he was the one who made off with your dad’s tools, took your favorite CD, helped himself to some cash sitting around, and other important items. It is time to come up with a plan, set him up. The kind of plan you come up with can’t be easily figured out by him and if you sincerely want your restless conscience to be at peace, then go to great lengths to figure out whether he is trustworthy. Time is money and the longer you stay with him, the more items will go missing.
The Hustler – He is always thinking of a way to separate people from their money illegally. From identity theft to standing on the street corner selling drugs, he always has a knot of money and doesn’t mind living lavishly. Now you may think that what he has told you about his daytime job is paying the bills, but the truth of the matter that job didn’t pay for the designer clothing and expensive jewelry you wear; instead it was the second one you may or may not know about. This man is dangerous. He has enemies and one day some one will catch up with him, you or anyone who associates with either of you, and the sight won’t be pretty. You must ask yourself this question, is he worth putting your life and everyone else’s lives around you in danger?
The Abuser/Controller – You can never do anything right. He is often critical, walks around with an attitude and every opportunity he has alone he wants you to stop living your world to be with him. In the beginning of the relationship, you justified his negative personality with excuse after excuse. Whether he is physically ill, illiterate, disabled or mentally disturbed and on medication, you have a right to explain how you feel about him to him. You may have done this already and got knocked to the ground whether verbally or physically. You may have told yourself that things will get better and he is making an effort to change. Well that is good if he is sincere about becoming a better man; however, he can make those strides without you living with him and subjecting yourself to his name calling, mood swings, choking, punching, and grabbing. There are no rewards in heaven given to women who allow themselves to be abused by men. There was only one Christ in the Holy Bible and you are not He. (Read more about the abuser in an article I wrote entitled, “How To Know Your Boyfriend Is Abusive” at this site.)
The Mooch – You have invited him once again on an outing and he never has any money in his wallet. During inopportune times, he says he needs to stop at the ATM and you know there is none even close to where the two of you are located. When he offers to take you out, he usually picks a place that he doesn’t have to pay much (despite the fact that when it was on your tab he ordered steak and another time lobster!) He drives your car and doesn’t fill it up, when you mention it; he finally puts some gas in the tank -- a measly $5 or $10. Holidays come and go with very little if any acknowledgement from him. Yet, you bought him (and possibly his relatives) really nice gifts whether it was a holiday or not. He displays affection, says all the right things, and listens to your concerns only when he knows he needs something from you. If you choose to continue a relationship with this man you have options and they are as follows. You could stop being so generous and treat him how he treats you. For example, when you invite him out, treat him to the kind of places he takes you. Put a limit on how often he drives your car. Avoid helping him when he is in a bind since you know he won’t help you. Make yourself unavailable to run errands for him and anyone associated with him (that includes his children by a previous relationship, his mother, sister or brother.) If he begins to see you are no fool, he won’t continue to run over you and will grow to appreciate you. However, if he doesn’t you will be making it easy for him to walk away from you without you having to break up with him.
The Drunk/ Drug Abuser – How many times have you seen him intoxicated or using drugs? Is he fun, angry, disgusting or depressed afterward? Are most of the relationship problems you have been facing associated with this type of behavior? If so, then you will have to consider whether or not you will help him get counseling from a distance, continue to live with him and endure the abuse, leave him alone altogether or create an intervention for him that includes a professional counselor, family and friends who have all been affected by his negative ways. If he consistently refuses help, then for your own sanity and safety, leave him alone.
http://www.articlecity.com/articles/relationships/article_1653.shtml
Women always say, “I didn’t know he was like that” when their boyfriends perform acts that cause everyone around them shame. In some cases they really weren’t aware of the boyfriend’s mischievous deeds, but in other cases women knew well in advance they just hoped he would stop.
Most women are not stupid, gullible, dumb, or any other name critics choose to call them for the selections in men they make. For some, they truly had no idea their boyfriend meant bad news for them. The ever-popular question of, “Why did she get herself involved with him anyway?” continues to loom over their heads and the reasons vary depending on whom you ask. Some women may have found out about their problem boyfriend and stayed because of love, status, money and/or power. Others may have stayed because they didn’t want to carry the guilt of leaving their children’s father over issues they feel could be resolved. Still many women feel they can change him. As long as women continue to believe that the power of sex, money, counseling, personal sacrifice or a host of other strategies to change a bad man will work, they will continue to subject themselves to mental and physical abuse. These strategies simply will never work for some men. There comes a time when women will have to get off their knees whether she is praying to God or pleading to her mate to change. She will have to stand up carrying her self-respect in hand and walk right through the door of “end the relationship now.”
The following advice is written for women who haven’t yet made a commitment or a baby with a “bad boy.” She may be struggling with whether she is ready to settle down with him, distance herself from him or keep him as a friend. Although the best advice is not to offer to carry him or his burdens and just leave him alone, there will be those women who will still stay. If those women choose to stay, they have committed themselves to a hard life of many restless nights, aches and pains at times mentally and/or physically and they most likely will past negative behaviors to their future children and their children.
The Liar – In the beginning of the relationship, you caught him in a few white lies. He had what seemed like convincing excuses; therefore you let him get away with them. Now the lying has increased and the excuses have become minimal if not at all. Actions you may want to consider are the following: Approach him not only with what you think, but what you know; in other words have proof. Stop taking his lying lightly. Let him know that this behavior you will not accept any longer. If he chooses to continue lying, then tell him you will have to end the relationship for good. Once you have made a decision that you are leaving, begin to make efforts to not be contacted by him (change your cell phone number, block his email address, put places you hang out frequently on hold, and avoid telling mutual friends about your personal whereabouts, thoughts and feelings. You must not leave and then go back to him, he will only get better about lying to you over time.
The Player also known as The Pimp – This man is obsessed with being contacted or making contact with the opposite sex. He will use cell phone, email, your house phone or friends to make contact with whomever he meets. He will leave a trail of evidence whether it is the popular piece of paper that slips out of his pocket with a phone number without a name, restaurant receipts, hotel charges, cologne or jewelry gifts, read and sent email that sits in his account that he forgot to delete. He begins to create a pattern in his actions when you have become old and someone else becomes new. Look out for this repetitious pattern. He may develop his pattern after work on a daily basis working later and later nights at the office then when he comes home he is providing almost too much detail about what happened at work or not at all. Another pattern he may create may be choosing a hobby or interest that is very unusual to his personality and attending this faithfully, what you can do to find out if he is sincere is offer to pick him up from the pottery class on some nights. Watch his reaction. There may also be the weekend pattern of always “needing to get away, have some time to myself, or I’m so busy with errands.” All the while making little or no time for the two of you to go out and be seen together. When you suggest new places to visit, he finds an excuse to take you to the same area you both are familiar to keep from running into the other woman or women. He finds a way, anyway, to travel to places without you regularly using an excuse such as “I’m going to my mother’s house or hanging out with Rick, Joe or someone you never heard of Frank.” Be careful family and friends will cover for him. He will call you, at times when he knows you are out and about to see if you will be in the proximity where he will be entertaining the other woman or women. He is protective of his cell phone and his computer; if you tried to check either it maybe password protected. You may want to consider whether having to worry over your man’s whereabouts is worth all of this aggravation. In time, you will become insecure, angry for no apparent reason, and develop a since of distrust toward everyone you meet. This is baggage you don’t need.
The Thief – He has been around when things go missing. At first you didn’t suspect him and thought items had just been misplaced or he blamed someone else for taking them. Yet, you have always had a funny feeling in your gut that he was the one who made off with your dad’s tools, took your favorite CD, helped himself to some cash sitting around, and other important items. It is time to come up with a plan, set him up. The kind of plan you come up with can’t be easily figured out by him and if you sincerely want your restless conscience to be at peace, then go to great lengths to figure out whether he is trustworthy. Time is money and the longer you stay with him, the more items will go missing.
The Hustler – He is always thinking of a way to separate people from their money illegally. From identity theft to standing on the street corner selling drugs, he always has a knot of money and doesn’t mind living lavishly. Now you may think that what he has told you about his daytime job is paying the bills, but the truth of the matter that job didn’t pay for the designer clothing and expensive jewelry you wear; instead it was the second one you may or may not know about. This man is dangerous. He has enemies and one day some one will catch up with him, you or anyone who associates with either of you, and the sight won’t be pretty. You must ask yourself this question, is he worth putting your life and everyone else’s lives around you in danger?
The Abuser/Controller – You can never do anything right. He is often critical, walks around with an attitude and every opportunity he has alone he wants you to stop living your world to be with him. In the beginning of the relationship, you justified his negative personality with excuse after excuse. Whether he is physically ill, illiterate, disabled or mentally disturbed and on medication, you have a right to explain how you feel about him to him. You may have done this already and got knocked to the ground whether verbally or physically. You may have told yourself that things will get better and he is making an effort to change. Well that is good if he is sincere about becoming a better man; however, he can make those strides without you living with him and subjecting yourself to his name calling, mood swings, choking, punching, and grabbing. There are no rewards in heaven given to women who allow themselves to be abused by men. There was only one Christ in the Holy Bible and you are not He. (Read more about the abuser in an article I wrote entitled, “How To Know Your Boyfriend Is Abusive” at this site.)
The Mooch – You have invited him once again on an outing and he never has any money in his wallet. During inopportune times, he says he needs to stop at the ATM and you know there is none even close to where the two of you are located. When he offers to take you out, he usually picks a place that he doesn’t have to pay much (despite the fact that when it was on your tab he ordered steak and another time lobster!) He drives your car and doesn’t fill it up, when you mention it; he finally puts some gas in the tank -- a measly $5 or $10. Holidays come and go with very little if any acknowledgement from him. Yet, you bought him (and possibly his relatives) really nice gifts whether it was a holiday or not. He displays affection, says all the right things, and listens to your concerns only when he knows he needs something from you. If you choose to continue a relationship with this man you have options and they are as follows. You could stop being so generous and treat him how he treats you. For example, when you invite him out, treat him to the kind of places he takes you. Put a limit on how often he drives your car. Avoid helping him when he is in a bind since you know he won’t help you. Make yourself unavailable to run errands for him and anyone associated with him (that includes his children by a previous relationship, his mother, sister or brother.) If he begins to see you are no fool, he won’t continue to run over you and will grow to appreciate you. However, if he doesn’t you will be making it easy for him to walk away from you without you having to break up with him.
The Drunk/ Drug Abuser – How many times have you seen him intoxicated or using drugs? Is he fun, angry, disgusting or depressed afterward? Are most of the relationship problems you have been facing associated with this type of behavior? If so, then you will have to consider whether or not you will help him get counseling from a distance, continue to live with him and endure the abuse, leave him alone altogether or create an intervention for him that includes a professional counselor, family and friends who have all been affected by his negative ways. If he consistently refuses help, then for your own sanity and safety, leave him alone.
Kamis, 23 Oktober 2008
Language Lessons
By Gary Chapman
http://www.christianitytoday.com/mp/2004/spring/15.18.html
"I'm desperate," Mark told me when he entered my office. "My wife told me she doesn't love me, and she wants me out of her life. I don't understand. I've been a good husband. We have a nice house and wonderful children. I love Suzanne: I tell her how beautiful and special she is. How can she throw away 17 years of marriage?"
"Has Suzanne ever complained to you?" I asked.
"She says we don't spend enough time together and that we don't talk. But my business is demanding, and when I get home I need down time."
I knew their problem: Suzanne's love language (the way she best understands and receives love) was Quality Time, and Mark hadn't spoken that language. His compliments weren't enough; Suzanne needed his time and attention.
Feeling loved is our deepest emotional need. When that need goes unmet, it weakens our love for our spouse. Then the negative behavior patterns we once overlooked begin to annoy us. That's why Suzanne could say, "I don't love you."
After 30 years of marriage counseling, I'm convinced there are only five languages of love. Each person uses all the languages, but really thrives on one. The better you speak your spouse's love language, the stronger your emotional love life will be. For those unfamiliar with love languages, here's a brief course:
Words of Affirmation. Proverbs 18:21 says, "The tongue has the power of life and death." This language uses words to honor and appreciate your spouse. "You look nice in that outfit." "Thanks for taking out the trash. I really appreciate all the hard work you do."
Gifts. A gift says, She was thinking about me. Look what she got for me. Gifts don't need to be expensive. Haven't we always said, "It's the thought that counts"? With gifts, it isn't what you give, but how often you give that communicates love.
Acts of Service. The Bible tells us to love not only in word but in action (1 John 3:18). Acts of service include: washing the car, walking the dog, changing the baby, or whatever needs doing.
Quality Time. This means giving your spouse undivided attention. Maybe it's a picnic, a weekend away, or just muting the TV. The important thing is the two of you are focused on each other.
Physical Touch. We've long known the emotional power of physical touch. Holding hands; embracing; a back rub; even putting your hand on your mate's leg while you drive.
Revealing questions
So how do you discover your spouse's love language? Answer the following:
"How does my spouse most often express love to me?" If they give you words of affirmation, that may be their love language. They're giving you what they wish to receive.
"What does my spouse complain about most often?" Our complaints reveal our deepest desires. Suzanne complained, "We don't have time for each other. We don't talk." Quality Time was her love language.
"What does my spouse request most often?" If your spouse routinely asks, "Would you help me make the bed?" "Would you give the children a bath tonight?" then Acts of Service may be his or her primary love language.
You need three things to be a successful lover.
1. Information. What is your spouse's love language?
2. Will. Love is an active choice.
3. Frequency. Use your spouse's primary language to express love regularly.
It took Suzanne nine months of counseling to work through the hurt, neglect, and lack of empathy she felt from Mark. But eventually their marriage was reborn.
"If anyone told me I could have loving feelings for him again, I would have never believed it," Suzanne told me. "But I do. He's speaking my language," she said, smiling. Learn to speak your spouse's love language and you too can live with a smiling mate!
Gary D. Chapman, Ph.D., a marriage and relationship expert and best-selling author of numerous books, including The Five Love Languages (Moody) and Covenant Marriage (Broadman & Holman), lives in North Carolina.
Copyright © 2004 by the author or Christianity Today International/Marriage Partnership magazine. Click here for reprint information on Marriage Partnership.
I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. CAN I?
by: Michele Wahlder
http://www.articlecity.com/articles/self_improvement_and_motivation/article_6378.shtml
I think I can. I think I can. Can I?
Your mental train ticket to self-empowerment
We all find ourselves at certain points in our lives holding first class tickets to negative mental trains of thought. Michele Wahlder (MS, LPC, PCC), a two-time cancer survivor and Dallas, Texas-based Certified Life Coach and Psychotherapist, has placed thousands of people on the right track to self-empowerment via a plan she calls the 5 C Process. The journey challenges individuals to:
One
Clarify Current View – Where are you now- honestly?
Conscious awareness of your current view is the first step in becoming the best you can be. Getting clear about how your life aligns with your values, talents and unique gifts is vital to your happiness. You need to know where you are in order to learn where you want to go.
You can clarify your current view by completing a review of eight life areas. Be honest with yourself about how happy are you with your profession, finances, health and overall well-being, primary relationships, personal development, spirituality, environment, hobbies, etc.
Two
Connect with Your Highest Vision – Where do you want to be?
Example: A client of mine, a yoga instructor, decided she was happy teaching but wanted to contribute to the world on a larger level. She wasn’t happy with the quality of the yoga clothing that was accessible to her and her fellow yogis. Her vision was to design and create fun, hip and timeless yoga clothes using eco-conscious fabrics.
You have to get really clear about what you want. It is crucial that you connect to your highest vision of yourself because you can’t create it unless you are clear about what it looks like. If you don’t have a vision of where you want to go or what you want to be, you will most likely NOT get there. To quote Henrietta Klauser, “If you have a connection to what you want, take the next step and write it down.” If you don’t have any idea about what you want, or how you want to be in life to bring about greater happiness, begin looking through magazines and create a Vision Board/Collage of what attracts you. You may also want to consider getting an outside perspective from a friend or a professional coach. I take my clients through a guided imagery that gives them a glimpse of what their future could look like. There are also books that can help guide you. Just get help assessing your talents, divine gifts and abilities and then determine how you want to use them more fully in the world. We can’t help others as fully, if we are not aware of how we can best serve. So instead of thinking of it as selfish to engage in knowing yourself better, I would suggest you consider it selfish to hold back and not be the best you can be. Only in this way, can we help the world and others.
Three
Create Inspiring Goals – How will you get there?
Example: My client created a tiered plan of what needed to happen step by step – outer goal. All of this was influenced by her inner goal of keeping a measured pace and a balanced life. Her goal was to enjoy the process.
You have to create a plan and take specific actions to get you from where you are now to where you want to be. When most people write goals, they just write a list of action steps, usually external actions. I believe it is more powerful to have inner and outer goals. An outer goal is what you want. For instance, you might think, “I want a new house”. An inner goal is more focused on the how. How will a new home benefit me and my family? Will it offer more common gathering areas, a larger kitchen so that we can cook together, etc.? How can I appreciate what I have now until I get this home? How can I make this a joyful experience rather than a stressful one? If you can not be grateful for what you have now, then when you get a new home, it will only create very short-term happiness for you. Then, you will be focused on the next external illusion of happiness. For 2008, I suggest taking at least three of the life areas I mentioned earlier and jot down how you couldbenefit from living your highest vision in each area. Next, add action steps toward your desired achievements along with completion dates.
Four
Clear Obstacles – How will you remove obstacles in your way?
We all have dreams and visions for our life, but frankly, there are many things that can get in the way. The two most common obstacles I see with my clients are:
The inability to say NO— In order to bridge the gap from your current view to your highest vision, you have to make room for what “Could Be”. If your life is full and you want to add more of the things that are truly important in your life, you should start the change process by making room first. You must say no to some things in your life, so you can say yes to what is most important. You have to give up the destructive habits, behaviors and activities to make room for new ones.
A metaphor would be a water hose watering a flowering plant. The water in the hose is your life force and the flowering plant is what you are trying to grow in your life. If the water hose has leaks, it will not have enough water or life force/energy to reach its desired outcome or vision (to grow the plant into full bloom). Examples of leaks might include toxic friendships, unrealistic expectations, watching too much television, eating sugar, overspending, negative relational patterns with your spouse or working on an outdated job.
Example: A client’s obstacle here was that her 8- year-old daughter needed caring for and she was afraid she wouldn’t be able to be a good mother plus jumpstart a successful, new business. We remedied this issue by getting clear on the proper definition of a good mother. Also, practically speaking, she needed help picking up her daughter from school. So she got her husband to assist her in this area so she would have time to create this new business.
Negative self-talk—Research shows we have approximately 50,000 internal messages we say to ourselves daily. We are constantly walking around having conversations with ourselves. And it is what we say that makes all the difference in the overall quality of our lives.
Example: I was once in Starbucks, and I watched this woman spill her coffee while reaching for a sugar packet and I heard her say out loud, “I’m so stupid. I can’t believe I did that.”
Now, I just happen to hear her, but this is an example of something you might say internally as well. You might think, “No big deal. I say things like this to myself all the time.” Well, IT IS A BIG DEAL as our subconscious hears these messages and acts on them as if they were real. Don’t say anything to yourself that you wouldn’t want someone else saying to you.
Think of self-talk like mental fuel. Now, imagine filling your car with dirty water. We all know you wouldn’t get very far. Now, take that same car and fill it with high quality gasoline. You’ll most likely reach your destination. It is the same with people and the words we use. If the words are negative and toxic, we will sputter along with low energy and our performance suffers. If our words are positive and tender, we will feel confident, energized, encouraged and will most likely meet our goals faster and easier. Here are some key things to remember if you ever find yourself preparing to board the train of BAD self-talk:
B– stands for belittling self-talk. Stop telling yourself, “I am not good enough.” If your dream is to have a healthy self-confidence, which of the following examples is more likely to get your there:
A. “I’m so stupid. I can’t believe I did that.”
B. “Whoops, mistakes happen.”
Can you see how the Answer B is much kinder?
A – stands for awfulizing. Stop predicting a future filled with gloom and doom, and dwelling on scary thoughts. If you dream of obtaining a career you love, which of the following will move you closer to your vision:
A. “I did terribly on my interview, I’ll never find a job I like.”
B. “I will answer that question on past employment differently next time and I will ace it! I know I will one day have the job I love.”
Can you see how Answer B places you in the mindset of a successful job search?
D – stands for deceiving. This is when you deceive yourself into thinking you are a victim, and that other people are to blame for your circumstances. If we want a happy relationship which will of the below responses will aid in achieving this goal:
A. “If my spouse would only do more around the house, then I would be happy.”
B. “I can and will choose happiness today, no matter what my spouse does.”
Answer B is the right choice, wouldn’t you agree?
S – stands for shoulding – This is when you give yourself a lot of shoulds, musts, and ought tos, then beat yourself up for not living up to unrealistic standards. Say your dream is to be in top physical condition, which will further that:
A. “I should have eaten a salad for lunch instead of that big ol’ hamburger. I’m such a pig!”
B. “I could have eaten a salad, but I chose not to. Tomorrow I will make healthier choices.”
The second choice is so much more inspiring, don’t you think?
Five
Commit to Action – Are you willing to do what it takes?
The final step of the 5 C Process is to commit to action. How many times have we all made plans and never carried them out, or started off excited and lost motivation? No one ever does anything great alone. We all need encouragement and support from others including an accountability partner who is willing to help hold the vision of the person you want to be. In the previous example of my client, her biggest negative self-talk was how to be a good mom and a good business woman. Her thoughts were, “If I don’t pick up my child every day from school, I am a bad mother.” Instead, we replaced it with, “Picking up my child from school daily is not what makes me a good mother. I am, indeed, a fabulous mother.”
Here are the four action steps that have been proven to help you eliminate your negative self talk:
• Become aware of your negative messages –listen to voice in head
• Stop! You have to stop immediately if you find yourself dwelling on any negative thoughts
• Replace negative thoughts with a kinder alternatives
• Practice. It takes a commitment of time in order to turn a pattern of negative thinking into a more positive train of thought.
http://www.articlecity.com/articles/self_improvement_and_motivation/article_6378.shtml
I think I can. I think I can. Can I?
Your mental train ticket to self-empowerment
We all find ourselves at certain points in our lives holding first class tickets to negative mental trains of thought. Michele Wahlder (MS, LPC, PCC), a two-time cancer survivor and Dallas, Texas-based Certified Life Coach and Psychotherapist, has placed thousands of people on the right track to self-empowerment via a plan she calls the 5 C Process. The journey challenges individuals to:
One
Clarify Current View – Where are you now- honestly?
Conscious awareness of your current view is the first step in becoming the best you can be. Getting clear about how your life aligns with your values, talents and unique gifts is vital to your happiness. You need to know where you are in order to learn where you want to go.
You can clarify your current view by completing a review of eight life areas. Be honest with yourself about how happy are you with your profession, finances, health and overall well-being, primary relationships, personal development, spirituality, environment, hobbies, etc.
Two
Connect with Your Highest Vision – Where do you want to be?
Example: A client of mine, a yoga instructor, decided she was happy teaching but wanted to contribute to the world on a larger level. She wasn’t happy with the quality of the yoga clothing that was accessible to her and her fellow yogis. Her vision was to design and create fun, hip and timeless yoga clothes using eco-conscious fabrics.
You have to get really clear about what you want. It is crucial that you connect to your highest vision of yourself because you can’t create it unless you are clear about what it looks like. If you don’t have a vision of where you want to go or what you want to be, you will most likely NOT get there. To quote Henrietta Klauser, “If you have a connection to what you want, take the next step and write it down.” If you don’t have any idea about what you want, or how you want to be in life to bring about greater happiness, begin looking through magazines and create a Vision Board/Collage of what attracts you. You may also want to consider getting an outside perspective from a friend or a professional coach. I take my clients through a guided imagery that gives them a glimpse of what their future could look like. There are also books that can help guide you. Just get help assessing your talents, divine gifts and abilities and then determine how you want to use them more fully in the world. We can’t help others as fully, if we are not aware of how we can best serve. So instead of thinking of it as selfish to engage in knowing yourself better, I would suggest you consider it selfish to hold back and not be the best you can be. Only in this way, can we help the world and others.
Three
Create Inspiring Goals – How will you get there?
Example: My client created a tiered plan of what needed to happen step by step – outer goal. All of this was influenced by her inner goal of keeping a measured pace and a balanced life. Her goal was to enjoy the process.
You have to create a plan and take specific actions to get you from where you are now to where you want to be. When most people write goals, they just write a list of action steps, usually external actions. I believe it is more powerful to have inner and outer goals. An outer goal is what you want. For instance, you might think, “I want a new house”. An inner goal is more focused on the how. How will a new home benefit me and my family? Will it offer more common gathering areas, a larger kitchen so that we can cook together, etc.? How can I appreciate what I have now until I get this home? How can I make this a joyful experience rather than a stressful one? If you can not be grateful for what you have now, then when you get a new home, it will only create very short-term happiness for you. Then, you will be focused on the next external illusion of happiness. For 2008, I suggest taking at least three of the life areas I mentioned earlier and jot down how you couldbenefit from living your highest vision in each area. Next, add action steps toward your desired achievements along with completion dates.
Four
Clear Obstacles – How will you remove obstacles in your way?
We all have dreams and visions for our life, but frankly, there are many things that can get in the way. The two most common obstacles I see with my clients are:
The inability to say NO— In order to bridge the gap from your current view to your highest vision, you have to make room for what “Could Be”. If your life is full and you want to add more of the things that are truly important in your life, you should start the change process by making room first. You must say no to some things in your life, so you can say yes to what is most important. You have to give up the destructive habits, behaviors and activities to make room for new ones.
A metaphor would be a water hose watering a flowering plant. The water in the hose is your life force and the flowering plant is what you are trying to grow in your life. If the water hose has leaks, it will not have enough water or life force/energy to reach its desired outcome or vision (to grow the plant into full bloom). Examples of leaks might include toxic friendships, unrealistic expectations, watching too much television, eating sugar, overspending, negative relational patterns with your spouse or working on an outdated job.
Example: A client’s obstacle here was that her 8- year-old daughter needed caring for and she was afraid she wouldn’t be able to be a good mother plus jumpstart a successful, new business. We remedied this issue by getting clear on the proper definition of a good mother. Also, practically speaking, she needed help picking up her daughter from school. So she got her husband to assist her in this area so she would have time to create this new business.
Negative self-talk—Research shows we have approximately 50,000 internal messages we say to ourselves daily. We are constantly walking around having conversations with ourselves. And it is what we say that makes all the difference in the overall quality of our lives.
Example: I was once in Starbucks, and I watched this woman spill her coffee while reaching for a sugar packet and I heard her say out loud, “I’m so stupid. I can’t believe I did that.”
Now, I just happen to hear her, but this is an example of something you might say internally as well. You might think, “No big deal. I say things like this to myself all the time.” Well, IT IS A BIG DEAL as our subconscious hears these messages and acts on them as if they were real. Don’t say anything to yourself that you wouldn’t want someone else saying to you.
Think of self-talk like mental fuel. Now, imagine filling your car with dirty water. We all know you wouldn’t get very far. Now, take that same car and fill it with high quality gasoline. You’ll most likely reach your destination. It is the same with people and the words we use. If the words are negative and toxic, we will sputter along with low energy and our performance suffers. If our words are positive and tender, we will feel confident, energized, encouraged and will most likely meet our goals faster and easier. Here are some key things to remember if you ever find yourself preparing to board the train of BAD self-talk:
B– stands for belittling self-talk. Stop telling yourself, “I am not good enough.” If your dream is to have a healthy self-confidence, which of the following examples is more likely to get your there:
A. “I’m so stupid. I can’t believe I did that.”
B. “Whoops, mistakes happen.”
Can you see how the Answer B is much kinder?
A – stands for awfulizing. Stop predicting a future filled with gloom and doom, and dwelling on scary thoughts. If you dream of obtaining a career you love, which of the following will move you closer to your vision:
A. “I did terribly on my interview, I’ll never find a job I like.”
B. “I will answer that question on past employment differently next time and I will ace it! I know I will one day have the job I love.”
Can you see how Answer B places you in the mindset of a successful job search?
D – stands for deceiving. This is when you deceive yourself into thinking you are a victim, and that other people are to blame for your circumstances. If we want a happy relationship which will of the below responses will aid in achieving this goal:
A. “If my spouse would only do more around the house, then I would be happy.”
B. “I can and will choose happiness today, no matter what my spouse does.”
Answer B is the right choice, wouldn’t you agree?
S – stands for shoulding – This is when you give yourself a lot of shoulds, musts, and ought tos, then beat yourself up for not living up to unrealistic standards. Say your dream is to be in top physical condition, which will further that:
A. “I should have eaten a salad for lunch instead of that big ol’ hamburger. I’m such a pig!”
B. “I could have eaten a salad, but I chose not to. Tomorrow I will make healthier choices.”
The second choice is so much more inspiring, don’t you think?
Five
Commit to Action – Are you willing to do what it takes?
The final step of the 5 C Process is to commit to action. How many times have we all made plans and never carried them out, or started off excited and lost motivation? No one ever does anything great alone. We all need encouragement and support from others including an accountability partner who is willing to help hold the vision of the person you want to be. In the previous example of my client, her biggest negative self-talk was how to be a good mom and a good business woman. Her thoughts were, “If I don’t pick up my child every day from school, I am a bad mother.” Instead, we replaced it with, “Picking up my child from school daily is not what makes me a good mother. I am, indeed, a fabulous mother.”
Here are the four action steps that have been proven to help you eliminate your negative self talk:
• Become aware of your negative messages –listen to voice in head
• Stop! You have to stop immediately if you find yourself dwelling on any negative thoughts
• Replace negative thoughts with a kinder alternatives
• Practice. It takes a commitment of time in order to turn a pattern of negative thinking into a more positive train of thought.
Senin, 20 Oktober 2008
Difficult People: Harassing Neighbors
by:
“My neighbors are harassing me. How do you deal with difficult people like these?”
I’ve been asked this question SEVERAL times now, so I thought I’d write an article on the topic.
The word “harassment” is a very broad term. For different people it can mean anything from neighbors who are verbally abusive and deflating your tires to people who are just plain nosey.
It’s a little like saying, “My dog is misbehaving”. You wouldn’t start right away by working on your dog’s “misbehavior” in general. You’d want to focus on the SPECIFIC forms of misbehavior that are causing a problem, such as jumping up on people, or barking too much, etc…
So, the first thing to do is to identify the specific type of harassing behavior that is causing the problem.
For the sake of discussion let’s say that your neighbors are frequently rude or disrespectful to you and your family. They use a "hit and run” form of verbal abuse.
The next thing to do is… talk to them? (I can already hear you saying, “I tried that and it didn’t work!”) Let me clear about this… NO!
The next thing to do has NOTHING to do with talking to them.
In fact, jumping into action too quickly is often where people go wrong right off the bat. It’s almost guaranteed that you will DO or SAY the wrong things, which just make things WORSE.
No, the next thing to do is IMAGINE… more specifically, to visualize the way you’d like things to be with your neighbor instead of the way things are. In other words, set your goal and visualize it.
You might want to turn them into friends or you might want to have infrequent but respectful interactions. That’s ok. Just be very clear about your goal – as long as it’s constructive.
So, let’s say that you don’t want to move away from the neighborhood and that what you REALLY want is for your neighbors to talk in a respectful way to you and your family.
Now, since THIS is what you really want, you should make a conscious decision that everything you say or do from now on will move things toward this outcome… and furthermore, that everything THEY say or do ALSO becomes an opportunity for you to take things closer to that outcome.
After you’ve imagined what a positive outcome might look like, you should then eliminate your anger, frustration and stress about the situation and feel calm, strong and confident about creating a positive change.
You can’t produce a positive outcome if you’re sitting on negative, angry or hostile feelings.
To shift your emotional state into strength and confidence, you can use the Wellspring Method at http://www.shrinkinabox.com/difficult-people/creating-change.htm which I created to help you successfully deal with difficult people and situations like this.
Armed with a feeling of confidence and determination to produce a positive outcome with the difficult person, start imagining what would happen if you were to meet with your neighbor… play out ANY scenarios that come into your mind.
There is not just ONE RIGHT WAY. You know your situation far better than I do and how your particular neighbor is likely to respond.
You might start off by paying them a visit and saying, “I noticed that you seemed unhappy about something when we last spoke, so I thought I’d come over and find out what it is that’s bugging you…”
It’s quite possible that they may not believe you and you may just get another rude response. But, you can persist… “Clearly something was bothering you and I’d really like to know what it is so that we can address the problem.”
You want to persist and be genuinely concerned and curious, so that your neighbor actually starts to feel that you are interested in what their issue is. Persist until you REALLY understand why they are feeling the way they are… even if their concern is based on misinformation or an immature way of seeing things.
Once you understand what their concern is (no matter how rudely they expressed it), you can then start to think of a solution that could address that concern. Of course, if you are addressing their genuine concern, then they will also become more receptive to a friendlier relationship without the disrespectful language.
If there is really no underlying issue that is bothering them, or at least none that they will divulge to you, and they persist with rude language, you can take the approach of paying them a visit each and every time a rude episode occurs… each time approaching them with the same calm and genuine curiosity about what it is that is bugging them.
The more rude they are, the more concerned and curious you can be. Of course, you would need to be able to do this calmly and confidently because pushing your buttons and getting you to react is what they are TRYING to do!
If you continue with repeated discussions over an extended period of time, never retaliating or getting drawn into an argument and always pursuing the issues in great detail, the act of being disrespectful towards you will start to become a bit of a nuisance to your neighbor who will think twice about being rude next time.
He’ll know that hurling another negative comment your way is just going to result in yet another long drawn out discussion in which the things that are bugging him will be put under the microscope for examination.
There are only two outcomes… Either your neighbor will eventually reveal what is really bugging him or her, which you can then address through some kind of win-win solution, or, they will change their tune and avoid being rude in order to avoid another discussion with you.
“My neighbors are harassing me. How do you deal with difficult people like these?”
I’ve been asked this question SEVERAL times now, so I thought I’d write an article on the topic.
The word “harassment” is a very broad term. For different people it can mean anything from neighbors who are verbally abusive and deflating your tires to people who are just plain nosey.
It’s a little like saying, “My dog is misbehaving”. You wouldn’t start right away by working on your dog’s “misbehavior” in general. You’d want to focus on the SPECIFIC forms of misbehavior that are causing a problem, such as jumping up on people, or barking too much, etc…
So, the first thing to do is to identify the specific type of harassing behavior that is causing the problem.
For the sake of discussion let’s say that your neighbors are frequently rude or disrespectful to you and your family. They use a "hit and run” form of verbal abuse.
The next thing to do is… talk to them? (I can already hear you saying, “I tried that and it didn’t work!”) Let me clear about this… NO!
The next thing to do has NOTHING to do with talking to them.
In fact, jumping into action too quickly is often where people go wrong right off the bat. It’s almost guaranteed that you will DO or SAY the wrong things, which just make things WORSE.
No, the next thing to do is IMAGINE… more specifically, to visualize the way you’d like things to be with your neighbor instead of the way things are. In other words, set your goal and visualize it.
You might want to turn them into friends or you might want to have infrequent but respectful interactions. That’s ok. Just be very clear about your goal – as long as it’s constructive.
So, let’s say that you don’t want to move away from the neighborhood and that what you REALLY want is for your neighbors to talk in a respectful way to you and your family.
Now, since THIS is what you really want, you should make a conscious decision that everything you say or do from now on will move things toward this outcome… and furthermore, that everything THEY say or do ALSO becomes an opportunity for you to take things closer to that outcome.
After you’ve imagined what a positive outcome might look like, you should then eliminate your anger, frustration and stress about the situation and feel calm, strong and confident about creating a positive change.
You can’t produce a positive outcome if you’re sitting on negative, angry or hostile feelings.
To shift your emotional state into strength and confidence, you can use the Wellspring Method at http://www.shrinkinabox.com/difficult-people/creating-change.htm which I created to help you successfully deal with difficult people and situations like this.
Armed with a feeling of confidence and determination to produce a positive outcome with the difficult person, start imagining what would happen if you were to meet with your neighbor… play out ANY scenarios that come into your mind.
There is not just ONE RIGHT WAY. You know your situation far better than I do and how your particular neighbor is likely to respond.
You might start off by paying them a visit and saying, “I noticed that you seemed unhappy about something when we last spoke, so I thought I’d come over and find out what it is that’s bugging you…”
It’s quite possible that they may not believe you and you may just get another rude response. But, you can persist… “Clearly something was bothering you and I’d really like to know what it is so that we can address the problem.”
You want to persist and be genuinely concerned and curious, so that your neighbor actually starts to feel that you are interested in what their issue is. Persist until you REALLY understand why they are feeling the way they are… even if their concern is based on misinformation or an immature way of seeing things.
Once you understand what their concern is (no matter how rudely they expressed it), you can then start to think of a solution that could address that concern. Of course, if you are addressing their genuine concern, then they will also become more receptive to a friendlier relationship without the disrespectful language.
If there is really no underlying issue that is bothering them, or at least none that they will divulge to you, and they persist with rude language, you can take the approach of paying them a visit each and every time a rude episode occurs… each time approaching them with the same calm and genuine curiosity about what it is that is bugging them.
The more rude they are, the more concerned and curious you can be. Of course, you would need to be able to do this calmly and confidently because pushing your buttons and getting you to react is what they are TRYING to do!
If you continue with repeated discussions over an extended period of time, never retaliating or getting drawn into an argument and always pursuing the issues in great detail, the act of being disrespectful towards you will start to become a bit of a nuisance to your neighbor who will think twice about being rude next time.
He’ll know that hurling another negative comment your way is just going to result in yet another long drawn out discussion in which the things that are bugging him will be put under the microscope for examination.
There are only two outcomes… Either your neighbor will eventually reveal what is really bugging him or her, which you can then address through some kind of win-win solution, or, they will change their tune and avoid being rude in order to avoid another discussion with you.
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